Your husband is cheating. Youíre not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, letís focus first on what you SHOULDNíT do. Most women react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive.
This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Letís look at 5 key things you SHOULDNíT do and examine the reasons why.
1. Donít put him out or leave him - yet.
Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, itís the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on whatís going on. Itíll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, youíll be hard-pressed to know what heís doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as youíre still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. Thereís a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husbandís activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as heís still there, you have a chance to work things out.
2. Donít tell the whole world about his infidelity.
Itís natural to want to confide in somebody about your husbandís affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the ďother woman." Make sure youíre confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husbandís affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women when theyíre in a vulnerable state. Telling your husbandís friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants arenít the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after theyíve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husbandís affair.
3. Donít ignore his affair or pretend itís not happening.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending itís not happening will make him think heís getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.
4. Donít confront him without the 3 Pís Ė Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if heís cheating. CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present the evidence youíve gathered that proves heís having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long itís been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then youíll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove heís been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof, thereís a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software or surveillance equipment. ďIs He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs" will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book.
5. Donít waste your time and energy on the other woman.
One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. Itís natural for you to be curious about her, but sheís not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Donít obsess over the details of what happened between the two them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. Sheís not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the her will only make your husband come to her defense. Youíll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.
Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husbandís affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what youíre going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.
Ruth Houston is the author of ďIs He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs." To learn more about her book, sign up for her infidelity newsletter, or receive a FREE Infidelity report and list of 29 Telltale Signs, visit her website at http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com or mailto: CheatingSigns@aol.com