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The Awakenings

By: Laith N. Al Adham

How far can one man go? How long can he survive when everything and everything seems so fake to his naked eye. Some think he won't go far, others think he wouldn't move at all. I believe that he can go far more than anyone could ever imagine. I say he would reach the unreachable, do the unthinkable and reach all that is unreachable. Not for the love of survival or the unexplainable curve for life, but simply to know how long will the fake existence of man last. To find out if he could save the souls of those he cares about most whether they deserve it or not. Such desperate attempts give him the sense of self worth we all lack or take for granted. It's with those attempts he gives himself the feeling of being overwhelmed with pride and joy knowing that he did all he could to change the wrongs that were written so long ago that the right things were forgotten about as if they did not exist. Such man, as pure as he maybe, is always alienated. Excluded from the circles of sociality simply because of his believes. I say such man is an anomaly in the matrix of wrong doings and suicidal actions we perish ourselves with. Such man is a human being in with every meaning the word holds. A word that not longer has a meaning in our vocabulary. A word that was tainted with our dark thoughts. A word that reeks with our extraordinary desire to lead the wrong way. With our fascinating yet disturbing urge to do the wrong thing. And this was such man's life.

He was his father's son, so sweet. He never was never his mother's little bunny. A little child who just couldn't see the prison he was forced into with his so called friends. The monkey slowly climbed on his back. Invited him to be seated and roped. But no one cared. Fragile like a rose in the snow, eating all his strength and turning him into a dummy. Walking in the shades day and night, he couldn't shake the monkey off his back. And you could see the spark in his eyes go out, the last spark of hope that died. And now as a man, years after he cried, he spoke to his father:

Child
Forgive me father
Now it's my time
Forgive me father
I must die
This life is empty
But yet so true
I am so guilty
For loving you
My dreams have perished
They were sent to waste
And I was punished
As a part of your fate
You tried you best
But it's always the same
You tried your best
But it's not a game.
Your child I am
That will always be true
But me you damn
Without looking through
My fear is haunting
It came to life
My dreams are falling
They're wasting my life
For all the pain
For all the tears
They won't go in vain
They won't go in fears.
Now my words are falling like stones
Cracking your head so strong and clear
I see you mouth singing different tones
So tell me that which you hold so dear
Warm and yet so proud, the kind of pride that would kill any soul, his father stood there with the signs of guilt on his face showing so clear just like the blackness surrounding the eyes left by endless insomnia that has haunted his son for years, tears filled his eyes as he tried to comfort his son but his pride managed to take over again and so he screamed:

Hush
How can I forgive you?
You ask what no mind can endure
I know I've scared you
But everything has a cure
My dream, my son, my all
You are those to me
And yet that is not all
There is so much you should see
I can never begin to understand
What my hands have cast upon you
But here in front of you I stand
To tell you my guilt is true
How dare you ask my forgiveness?
When you'll take away my soul
I can never give you my bliss
I can never allow you that goal.
I know you're different from some
I felt it in your embrace
I never thought this day could come
When you leave me alone in such a place
Dearest of all
My favored son
I can't let you fall
Your wish will never be done.

The boy now facing his father in the shape of a man smiled, wept and walked. He heard everything he knew he would hear. Knowing that now he has tried his best to change things and he could go in peace into that eternal state of rest he had been seeking for al his life. But still he had some people to see and talk to. Some things to put in place. People like the other behind the reason he died so young. His own mother.

Mother why?

Mother I'm back
Put your child to sleep
It won't hurt your back
But it would move me so deep
I never held you
Nor did you hold me
There was nothing I could do
And you never fought for me
I was only a child
Who needed to come home again
You were wreck less and wild
And that gave me my pain
I promised the moon
I will pull through
I will die soon
And there's nothing you can do
Mother why did you lie?
You promised to save me
Remember that lie?
That's all it could be
Now sunshine or rain
I walk so broken and hurt
To me it's all the same
I was already burnt
Mother why do I cry?
I never made a mistake
You didn't even try
You stood there and I felt the ache
But not anymore
No I won't stop
I picked my door
And not an ounce of sweat will drop
Mother why did you send me to break?
Was that the easy way out?
Mother you saw me break
And you didn't so much as shout.

His mother was a kind gullible woman who blamed herself for so many things along the years that she lost track of her own mistakes. Hearing those words from her son almost killed her and indeed they did kill the last ray of hope she had to undo what was unjustly forced on her son. And so she spoke:

I wish you well

I know my son
I cannot win
I know my son
It was my sine
Your were cast away
I thought you'd be safe
Now I see you were never safe
I thought of you everyday
I even forgot how to laugh
Now I have nothing to say
What you said was quiet enough
For all your life I prayed for time
To show you where the light lies
There is no other rhyme
My soul with you it dies
So my dove
I wish you well
I will long for you love
Now we both can ring the same bell
To stop you
I can only try
But I know it will push you
So I can only cry.

Again he smiled turning away to hide his tears. The tears he never showed to the world. Wearing the same smile he masked himself with blinding him from seeing his end. Yet he was far from his end. There were a few other souls left for him to comfort. Souls he always believed suffered the same anguish and torment he had seen. His own flesh and blood, his brothers. But through out the years he reached out to them while they refused to see and understand that what he did was desperate cry for help not just another form of displaying affection.

Save yourselves

Brothers of mine
We share the same blood
I gave you more than one sign
But you washed them away in a flood
I tried to share life with you
You laughed and giggled at me
Now do u believe it's true?
Can you see what lived in me?
Today we all weep
We finally became as one
Tonight there is no sleep
Until I see the sun
Never forget how I lived learn from what I've become
To each other always give
Never chew each other like gum
I reached for you
You backed away
I didn't know what to do
And you never had anything to say
Words are now what I leave
Try and listen not just hear
I'm trying to help you before I leave
Hold each other so close so dear
Brothers never leave the other
Like dusty books on shelves
Brothers carry each other further
Brothers please save yourselves

His brothers shed tear almost drops of blood. They begged him to turn back, to try again. They finally realized what mistakes they had done and yet it was too late.

Where, what and how?

With your blood our hands reek
We beg you forgive our sins
Redemption now we seek
Only you ca wash away the sins
Please turn back
Please think again
Show us what we lack
Don't put us through that pain
You're our brother
You belong with us
You're even our father
Can't you see what you've done to us?
What, where and how?
Tell us and we will obey
This to you we vow
Just tell us you will stay
Have mercy on our souls
Please stop our tears
Only you make us whole
Talk and we're all ears
Will you stay?
Will you forgive?
Don't make us pay
Without you we can't live

Yet again he smiles comforting them the same way he always did. Only this time they knew he wouldn't be around anymore to feel their pain. And so he left going back to his chair on the roof waiting to see his last sunrise.

Something about the night always caught and placed him in a far isolated world where he lived as a king not ruling a thrown but living a normal life. The moon was always his best friend. He always dreamt about living on it or at least visiting it. But like everything else in his life, it never came true. As the sun rose from the distant horizon he smiled with joy not for the sight, but for knowing all that wait has come to an end. Slowly he raised his wrist and in one sharp move slit it open letting the noble blood cursing in his veins drain while he smiled at the sun. It got darker and darker; he could feel weight building up on his head. He felt dizzy, disoriented and yet so happy until he finally slipped into his eternal resting place. Should've his end been different? Did he run away? Was it a mistake? Maybe that he finally found joy; he finally spoke whatever words he should've said years ago. Maybe now he will be remembered in his death instead of being forgotten in his life.

Awakenings

Flashes of light
I can't open my eyes
Blind spots in my sight
I wait till darkness dies
Soon I saw walls
Kwon to me from before
Someone my name calls
Leaning from the door
My mother? How could it be?
Am I not dead yet?
Is it her I really see?
Wasn't my end set?
I got up shocked with wonder
I saw them all as they were
Is this what's waiting for me under?
Is this what I choose to dare?
Then it hit me
Then it came clear
It jumped out and bit me
It's what I've always feared
I was in bed
I dripped in my sweat
Everything that was said
Wasn't really felt
I was in a dream
One I wish was true
Now I wish I could scream
But there's not much I can do
Instead I laugh in pain
I was close to the end
I think I'm going insane
My thoughts they twist and bend
Now I have to live
Nothing much I could do
Again I have to give
Until I get through
But God I ask you this
Please help me go on
Please send me bliss
Don't over look my moan.

His shock and wonder took over him as he woke up to realize that everything he had seen was a fragment of his imagination. His mind was playing tricks on him as he slept and guided his dreams towards the one thing that would give him relief. And as he pulled himself together and snapped back to reality he knew that after that night, after that dream he can never be safe again. He knew that his life will echo in his dreams, that his fears will haunt him in his sleep. He knew that even the one place where he thought he could live in peace is no longer that sanctuary he runs to just to keep himself from losing the last thread of sanity he had left. And so he blinded himself with laughter prying for the sweet release hoping that all that he's been through has not gone to waste. Hoping that one day, just for a brief moment he will be free.

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About The Author, Laith N. Al Adham


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