There are two distinct conditions we have to look at when discussing male/female relationships.The first is a condition of“opposition” or “opponents”, where the love interest is an opponent. No matter where it is at, there is no agreement on the relationship and where it is going, and one person wants to take it to a different level or place than the other, who is usually just fine the way thing are.
This automatically applies to most new relationships, and old relationships that are damaged or in trouble.
Now, why do I call it a condition of opposition or “opponents”. Well, because someone is usually trying to get someone, or opposed to someone. You are trying to get the girl for a girlfriend, or you are trying to get her in bed for sex, and there is some opposition. There is not complete agreement even if it is just about timing or “when.” Or she is trying to get you to marry her and you don’t want to yet. You are happy being her boyfriend.
The second condition is when the love interests are “teammates.” They are in agreement on their relationship and where they want it to go, etc. There is no opposition here.
This applies to most good relationships where people are co-operating and in agreement on the form of their relationship be it “friends with privileges,” “girlfriend/boyfriend” or “husband/wife.”
Now the truth of it is, most relationships are a combination of these conditions, perhaps mostly one or the other, but it is typical that we are in opposition about some things and in complete agreement and teammates about others.
In this essay I am going to discuss the second condition of “teammates” and the type of create one has to use in that condition in order to continue to create the relationship.
When you have a partner who is an active teammate, working for the same goal in the relationship that you are. You are in the best condition you could be in. If you don’t mess it up or screw it up, your relationship should grow in the direction you want it to grow and be a healthy relationship for years and years, even a lifetime if that is desired.
Screwing up a healthy relationship, if you are lucky enough to have one, is actually hard to do, but believe me there are some guys who do it.
What are the major mistakes the guys make to screw up a healthy relationship?
Well here are five of the most common basic mistakes.
1)Cheating.
2)Not continuing to treat her as the opponent and win her over. (Otherwise known as Romance.)
3)Not continually creating a common opponent to fight as teammates.
4)Not continuing to monitor the goals and purposes of the team and make sure that they are still in unison.
5)Not making sure she continues to do all of the above too.
1) Cheating - In most cases, as soon as you cheat, you become the enemy. You are no longer working as team mates for the same thing. You have a hidden agenda and you are not working for the best interest of the team.
(I say in most cases, because there are societies and couples who agree that cheating –or extra-marital sex - is ok in certain situations, and under prescribed conditions.)
Now my opinion on cheating is simple and it is based on practicality not morality issues. You shouldn’t get married or in a serious relationship until you have the ability to commit to a monogamous relationship.
There are plenty of girls who are NOT ready to commit to a serious relationship. So if you are not ready it would be better to find someone else who is not ready and work out a relationship that involves non-monogamous sex together.
The point of all this is, if you are not ready for marriage or a committed relationship, don’t get involved with someone who is, and don’t pretend like you are – not even to (and especially not even to) yourself. You’ll turn your teammate into an enemy overnight. Get my eReport on “How I Dated 700 Women in One Year” and work whatever it is remaining in your system that keeps you from being monogamous out.
With out being moralistic, breaking an agreement to be monogamous with your girl and cheating on her doesn’t get you anywhere. If sex with multiple women is what you want, you can have more sex with more women without cheating on anyone by telling the truth. Cheating in a committed relationship is a false sense of accomplishment. It means you are unhappy and insecure and a whole bunch of other negative things. So, if you feel like cheating, there is something wrong.
And as soon as you get that feeling, you need to sit down with your mate, talk things out. And if you can’t resolve things so that you are back on the same team again then you are in the wrong relationship for you and you probably need to get out of that situation and date extensively until you work whatever sexual issues you have out of your system - so you can actually have a serious, monogamous relationship.
2) Now another way guys wreck a good teammate relationship and contribute to the girl cheating on them is to stop romancing the girl.
Remember this girl was at one time an opponent, someone you had to win over to your way of thinking, before she agreed to become your girlfriend or wife, etc. – That’s what all the flowers and candies, and door “holding” and chick flicks and “listening” was about – you were trying to win the game and “score” the girl.
So, you did. And now you think that game (you didn’t really like it did you) is over and you don’t have to do that any more. Now that she is the girlfriend or wife, you don’t have to play that “flowers’ and “door opening” game any more. Well guess what guys! You are wrong.
All those things you did to impress her and get her, worked. These were the things that created “attraction” towards you. Now that you have secured this agreement for her to be your girlfriend or wife and enter into this new game of“teammates” it doesn’t mean that the old game is over.
You see building or creating a relationship is sort of like building a house. You lay the foundation for a house then you build the first floor. When the first floor is complete you don’t go and tear down the foundation. If you do, the first, second, third, etc. floors will all come tumbling down with it.
Same thing with a relationship. Whatever you did to get the girl, whatever you did to attract her in the beginning is your foundation. You can’t go tearing it down the minute you get the first floor built and move in.
It simply won’t work.
That means figuring out new things to do together, new ways to have fun, new sexual play so that it doesn’t get boring. (Check out the Free Mini-Course on my site – “How to be a Great Lover.”)
3) Now once you move from the “opponent” stage of a relationship where you are trying to WIN the girl over, you enter a stage where you are teammates mostly (but remember still keep those opponent things going to win the girl into continually being attracted to you)
In the “teammate “ stage you are in agreement. You are a couple and you are approaching the world together as a team. Now, depending on your type of relationship agreement, that can be anything from just creating mutual pleasure together (like sex, or hanging out) to combining your finances and taking on the world financially together to improve your mutual lot, to deciding to take on “having kids” and raising them to the standards that you both agree on.
Now the thing is as you start working together as a team and start “winning” you can’t forget that the process or working together as a team is more important than the things you obtain as a team. Teamwork is like “glue” that holds you together.
Sometimes when a couple achieves some of the goals that are the objects of their teamwork, they forget to replace those goals with new ones. Sooner or later if you don’t replace old goals with new ones you run out of things to work together on.
So often a couple gets engaged, gets married, has children, gets a nice house, getsa nice car and then stop setting goals and their teamwork disappears.
Sometimes it doesn’t even go that far. Sometimes they both have a simple goal like moving in together. They do that and then stop creating team projects. Like the things that you did to attract her, working together to achieve goals and solve problems is the expanded foundation of a relationship. As long as you keep doing it and set new goals to accomplish you will continue to create a healthy satisfying relationship.
Goals don’t always have to be mutual goals. Sometimes a couple helps each other on personal goals. They work together as a team to get her to lose 10 pounds. They work together as a team to get him a better job.
Doing that CREATES the relationship in a healthy manner. Telling your girl you’d better lose 10 pounds or I am out of here doesn’t. Telling the guy he’d better get a better job or you are gone doesn’t create a relationship either. These kinds of attitudes make you “enemies” or “opponents” again.
Mutual goals are common “opponents” and make you teammates fighting against your obstacles to achieving your goals.
I can go on and on and on , on this topic,but I think you get the point. CONTINUALLY setting goals and working on those goals as a team helps to CREATE a relationship. STOP doing this and the relationship will star falling apart.
4) Now to continually monitor these goals you set as a team, this means communication. You have to talk to your partner and continually monitor where they are at with respect to your mutual and their and your personal goals. People change and grow. You can’t assume the girl your married 3 years ago is the same girl today. You can’t assume the things that she considered important and wanted to work on with you 3 years ago, 1 year ago, even 6 months ago are still the goals she has today.
Communicate! Talk! Listen! You have to continually find out where you are at. If you keep communication in then you wont’ have any surprise. If you assume she is the same (when she isn’t) then you will be surprised one day when you exclaim “I don’t know who you are anymore” as she walks out the door or cheats on you.
5) Finally,you have to get your girlto do all of these things too. One person creating a relationship is better than none, but two people creating a relationship is a cinch for success.
Best time to talk about all this is early on in your relationship so you are both on the same page with create from the early days. But anytime is better than no time. It is never too late. Even if you aren’t “newly weds” talk now!
If you do all the above things, you and your partner just may have a chance to create a continually growing, healthy relationship.
About Relationships And Love
Bringing healing to family relationships can be one of the most difficult aspects of the spiritual healing process. The reason for this is that we choose to incarnate within our specific families for the purpose of healing and growth, which often challenges us deeply to the core of our being. For many of us it may feel as though healing is exactly the opposite of what we are receiving with our families, as we endure the difficulties and limitations of our relationships with our parents and siblings.
Before incarnating, we choose families which can bring to the surface specific issues and themes that our soul wishes to explore, learn about and heal. Often these issues are challenging and bring to the surface discomfort that we would prefer go avoid rather than face. Some people deal with this discomfort by placing blame on their parents or the situation they were born into, which provides a temporary outlet for the emotional pain they have experienced, but ultimately prevents the free flow of love, light and healing in the heart.
As we grow personally and spiritually, there comes a time when we are called to release ourselves from the emotional pain we have carried from our childhood. There are steps in this process, which may taker a shorter or longer time, or which may involve many lifetimes of learning.
The first step we take is to become conscious of the pain we are carrying. If we have repressed these feelings, they will emerge when we are ready to face them. Sometimes an event such as an illness or a loss can illuminate feelings we have buried or forgotten. Once we become conscious of the pain and allow ourselves to simply feel it, healing can begin. Being with the pain, and bringing it before God is an essential part of the process. In this way we are not alone, as the divine Creator who is All sees, hears and feels with us. This can be done with prayer, intention, meditation, creative expression, or any way that resonates.
Once we have become more conscious of the pain we carry, the next step involves the willingness to let go of our pain. Though on the surface it may seem strange to want to hold onto pain, there are many deep emotions that can become entrenched within us, and wrapped around our sense of self. We unconsciously hold on to the pain, because it is all we have ever known. For example, if we are carrying anger, hurt or betrayal, we are asked to forgive and to move on. If we were the victim of abuse or neglect, we are asked to let go of our anger, and our entitlement to be angry. This part of the process cannot be rushed, which is why it is so important to be willing to feel our emotions fully first. Once this happens, the next step of healing naturally unfolds.
Once we have traversed these steps of becoming conscious, feeling our pain, and being willing to let it go, then we are fully available to receive a deep and complete healing. As we voluntarily empty ourselves of those things we've been holding onto, more of God's love and light can enter our heart, mind and body. The pathways of life begin to open up and reveal new directions, new possibilities, and new choices. Our hearts begin to open and love blossoms, forgiveness becomes a way of being, and spiritual awareness awakens within us. These are the gifts that come through healing family relationships, a heart full of love and trust, unencumbered by the pain of the past.
Both Mr. L. Rx & Mashubi Rochell are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Mashubi Rochell has sinced written about articles on various topics from Web Development, Marriage and Religion. Mashubi Rochell is a spiritual counselor and the founder of World Blessings, an online spiritual support community for people of all faiths. For more on. Mashubi Rochell's top article generates over 3600 views. Bookmark Mashubi Rochell to your Favourites.
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