Amy feels hurt and angry because no one in her family loves her enough



to respond to her needs. She has repeatedly expressed to the members of her family what she needs of them. She has explained to her husband that she needs his affection and attention. She has explained to her adolescent children that they must clean up after themselves, do their homework, be home by 11:00 p.m. and do well in school. She has explained to her husband that she needs him to spend more time with her to help her with the house, to communicate about the children, and to go out together more often. She also needs him to spend less time at work.

She feels hurt and rejected that no one responds to her needs. Her belief is that if they loved her, they would do as she requests.

She does not realize it is not so simple. They do love and respect her, but they have their own needs, which unfortunately conflict with what she asks of them. She is asking them to live according to her needs, and as much as they would like to, their own needs do not allow them to do so.

When Amy is unhappy, she adopts the role of the unloved victim, and when she is really unhappy, she becomes the interrogator and occasionally the intimidator with her children. Then she feels guilty and moves back into the role of the victim.

All this reminds Amy of her childhood years when no one responded to her needs. She was pretty much ignored and felt quite rejected. She now needs to have someone pay attention to her so she can overcome that hurt of her childhood years.

Her husband Paul has explained that he can comply with some of her requests especially if they are specific, like taking out the garbage. He can respond by doing something, but not by feeling something. He has tried to explain that he cannot create a feeling of affection there on the spot just because she needs it.

He is also experiencing a replay of his childhood years when his mother was never satisfied with him. She was always asking something else of him and always criticizing him, complaining that he did not love her enough to do what she asked. She continually played the role of the victim and Paul eventually learned to avoid her.

Paul now has the tendency to hide behind his work where he feels safe and successful. Amy's needs and the roles she plays tire and intimidate him, and he tends to avoid her. Amy perceives this as a form of rejection and a lack of love. She does not perceive his fear and his need to protect himself.

When pressured Paul oscillates between the "Aloof" and the "Intimidator" to protect himself from her demands.

The children pretty much ignore the whole situation and make sure they out of the house except to sleep.

What do they need to learn in order to have a happy home?

Amy:

Does she need to realize that when others are unable to respond to her needs, that does not necessarily mean they do not love her?

Does she need to learn to ask for what she needs in another way without accusing?

Is her lesson to get free from her childhood programming and believe that people want to respond to her needs?

Is it to feel her self-worth and security even when others are unable to respond to her needs?

Is it to reduce her needs? Is it to understand the others and their needs?

Paul:

Does he need to be more sensitive to Amy's needs?

Should he sacrifice his own so she can feel better?

Does he need to communicate his love in other ways so that when he cannot respond in the ways she asks, at least she will not feel he does not love her?

Does he need to let go of some of his own needs?

Does he need to let go of his past and cease feeling suppressed when others ask something of him?

Does he need to explain how he is feeling so the other does not misinterpret him?

Let us hope they each find the answers. Both would do well to free themselves from their pasts.