Many people assume that you could never date a friend's ex while others take the "finder's keeper's" rule, which is right? Neither is, you really have to look at your friendship and go from there. If you are looking for a very clear answer that will not require that you sneak around or confront your friend about such issues, than the answer is absolutely do not date your friend's ex.
Of course, there are some circumstances in which you may be able to date a friend's ex without breaking any serious dating or friendship rules. You may be able to date your friend's ex if:
Your best friend has since moved on and is in a serious relationship with someone else
They have been broken up longer than they were together
You have talked to your best friend about you possibly dating their ex and they said they would be fine with it
If your friend has said in a meaningful way that they don't mind that you date their ex, and more importantly, that you believe them
It can be difficult when you like someone a lot and you want to get closer to them to look at what your friend wants, but you need to be a friend first and foremost. The problem that most people have is separating their crush from their duty as a friend.
You need to preserve the friendship first and foremost, and then consider a budding relationship. If you aren't sure that your friend would really be alright with your dating their ex, it would be better to hold off. You don't want to lose a friend because you want to date someone that may or may not turn into a long term or serious relationship. There are a lot of fish in the sea, and some of the fish are off limits and others may just be off limits for awhile.
If you like your friend's ex the best thing you can do is talk to them about it. Be honest and let them know that you have had some very minor interest in them and that you wanted to know how they felt about it.
If you tell them that you won't date them, stay true to your word. You really need to mean what you say, so think through your responses before you speak so as not to promise someone something that you will not follow through on.
Can You Be Friends With Ex
Asking 'The Question'
When I began to ask men and women this very question, it seemed the stock answer was a resounding no. Almost all persons I asked did not want their friends to date any of their ex's. Next I asked, "What if you fell for one of your friend's ex's?" While some individuals still responded with a firm, "that would never happen," others were not sure of what they would do.
My Personal Gossip
Here's a little gossip about me. I have a wonderful ex-boyfriend that I met on the popular online dating site, MatchRanger.com. We dated for about a year and remained friends even after our breakup.
Two years later, he took an interest in my best-friend. I found myself in a very awkward situation. Separately, they both asked me how I felt about the two of them dating. I told my ex that he should pursue her if he wanted to. I told my best-friend, that I thought it was not a good idea for her to date my ex-boyfriend.
The Added Twist
As if this situation was not strange enough, there's a twist! All three of us live in the same building! Granted, it's a big building. However, this added twist left me feeling like whether I liked it or not, I was not going to have to face this.
The Initial Reaction
As you have probably already guessed, my ex and my best-friend began dating. I was not mad at him, but boy was I upset with her! She was my friend! My mind filled with angry questions. How could she do this to me? Didn't she find it odd that she and I both shared intimate moments with the same guy? What would happen if they had an argument? I certainly didn't want to hear about that!
The Confrontation
One day, while I was out on a date, my friend and my ex showed up together. She told me that she cared for me and our friendship deeply. I told her, "Well obviously not enough." She looked right at me and said, "Whether you like it or not, whether you reciprocate or not, I am still your friend."
Getting Over It
Over the following months, my friend stayed true to her word. I remained, for lack of a better word, a bitch! Then, one ordinary day, I realized that this was not the end of the world. It was not even a big deal. In fact, in a strange way, it was very convenient. I got to hang out with my best friend and my ex (which is also a good friend) simultaneously! Instead of thinking 'woe is me' my tune changed to 'lucky me'.
EX-Plore All Your Options - Advice for the Dater
If you happen to be losing sleep over the predicament of dating a friend's ex, I recommend that you explore the consequences that your actions could have.
Possible outcomes include:
- Your friend could be totally fine with it and your friendship continues
- Your friend could be against it and your friendship ends
- Your friend could be respectful and against it and your friendship continues
- Your friend could be against it and then come around and your friendship continues
I certainly don't have the answers in regards to what you should do. When I asked Mike James, VP of development for http://www.MatchRanger.com, he suggested, "You should come clean to your friend. If they find out through someone else, the betrayal will hurt more than if you had confronted your friend initially." From my own personal experience, I couldn't agree more.
Consider the Other Side -- Advice for the Friend
If you find yourself 'stuck' with the dilemma of having a friend of yours want to date your ex, try to put yourself in their shoes. They probably have no intention of hurting you whatsoever and are feeling just as conflicted as you are. If love really is blind, then wouldn't it be fair to assume that we don't always get to choose who we fall for?
The Silver Lining
As with all controversial situations, it's important to remember the bigger picture. Life is short. Friends are precious. True love is worth struggling for. Regardless of what side you are on, do everything you can to understand, and to hold onto your friendships. I hate to sound like a clich? but, relationships can and probably will come and go. Friendships are forever!
As for me, my best-friend taught me lessons about true friendship that I will be eternally grateful for. And yeah, she's still with my ex. I couldn't wish anything but the very best for the both of them!
Both Rodrigo Rehn & Maria Anderson are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Rodrigo Rehn has sinced written about articles on various topics from Online Dating, About Web Hosting and Marriage. Rodrigo Rehn is a Relationships Expert, Linux Systems Administrator, Web Programmer, PHP Developer and CEO of FaceRomance dating services.. Rodrigo Rehn's top article generates over 90500 views. Bookmark Rodrigo Rehn to your Favourites.
Maria Anderson has sinced written about articles on various topics from How To Grow Wealth, Dating and Romance and First Date. Maria Anderson is America's hottest dating coach. For years she has been showing singles how to meet and be successful at the dating game. For more proven dating advice check out:http://www.OnlineDateDr.com. Maria Anderson's top article generates over 135000 views. Bookmark Maria Anderson to your Favourites.
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