How do you know when it's the right time to settle down and make a lifetime commitment? I don't know whether to marry my longterm girlfriend now (I'm moving out of state for graduate school in the fall) or wait until I'm finished with school, with the chance that I'll lose her in the meantime. She says that we should either get married now and move out of state together or date other people after I leave and just see what happens. (By the way, we're both 22.)



I love her and think I've found the right person but maybe not the right time.

Don't Know What to Do,

Dear 'Don't Know What to Do',

First or all, you and your girlfriend are both pretty young to be getting married. I don't know how much experience you have dating other people (perhaps not very much since you describe her as your ?longterm girlfriend?) which are both against the odds of staying together. In general, those who wait to marry until in their late 20's are much less likely to divorce. Of course, there are couples who marry young and do grow old together very happily (or at least are able to persevere and work through their problems).

Your dilemma is a fairly common one and there is no easy answer. You and your girlfriend are right to think through your options logically and very carefully and not just look at the romantic angle. You may benefit from spending a few sessions with a good premarital counselor who could help you two determine if you're really ready to tie the knot and potential challenges you're likely to face, as well as to help you discover your longterm compatibilities. Issues such as whether to have children or not, religion, career goals, and money are all important topics to thoroughly discuss before you two get married, whether now or in a few years.

You may decide to try a compromise approach by living apart the first year (either in a long-distance relationship maintaining a commitment to one another or with the option open to date other people) and seeing how things go. Over time what is best for you two may become more clear if you take these ?baby? steps.

Whatever you do, only agree to get married if and when you really think you're ready! Marriage should be a lifetime commitment and even under the best of circumstances is not without its challenges.

Best of Luck,

Doctor Single