I met a man I think I could fall in love with. We have a lot in common and have similar goals in life and we've talked about becoming exclusive. The problem is that he has a pattern of being unfaithful in past relationships. I know people can change and I'd really like to give this a chance but I'm not sure if I'm being at all realistic or just dillusional.



What do you think I should do?

Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

There are three things that make all the difference in the world regarding your question that you didn't mention in your letter.

1) How did you find out he was unfaithful (I'm assuming you know it is a fact and not just hearsay)?

If he told you himself, there's a much better chance that he's really ready to turn things around this time than if you found out another way. While you are right about a person being able to change, in order to do so, past errors must be acknowledged along with an understanding of what led up to them and a resulting change in behavior. Simply stating "I want to change" or even "I'm not that way anymore" isn't enough without some soul-searching and increased self-awareness followed by some demonstrated changes.

2) What do you think is his true character? While some people might argue that a person with any character at all would never cheat, people do make mistakes. The key is, has he learned from them and is he willing to resist temptation (that inevitably comes up in all of our lives) when 'feel good' hormones based on biological attraction kick in? He should assume that they will, but be armed with the fortitude to resist these temptations and honor your commitment. It's much easier to pledge undying love when you're in the arms of your partner than it is when opportunity strikes and your lover may never find out you strayed.

3) Is he starting to include you in his life? Have you met his family, friends, and co-workers? This is an important factor for anyone delving into a exclusive relationship, but is especially telling in your case. The more open and direct he is with you about his interactions with other people and his desire to include you in his life in a significant way, the better are your chances for fidelity and happiness over the long run. The more secrets, the worse the prognosis.

Trust is the foundation of an intimate, enduring relationship and you will have to decide whether this budding relationship is worth the investment, with the hope that trustworthy actions on his part will lead to warranted unshakable trust on yours. If you decide to move forward, take it slow and stay tuned into your brain as well as your heart!

Doctor Single