As a boy growing up, did you get any of these messages? Men don't cry. Boys are sissies if they are afraid. It's manly to be aggressive. Yelling and verbal abuse are okay-show your lady who's boss. Don't dare to be vulnerable or communicate your feelings. Males are weak if they express kindness and love. Be logical, and leave wimpy feelings to women. Your only obligation as a husband and father is to work and to pay the bills.



If you do relate to some if not all of these beliefs, you have just discovered some reasons why you may be having some problems in your relationships and with your body.

With the negative programming you received in your formative years, you unfortunately were set-up to play a male role. You were not encouraged to be human, and to feel and to express all your emotions. Instead, you were convinced that to be okay, to be accepted as a man, you needed to stifle yourself. You needed to always appear strong and logical, and always be in control.

How sad it is that you are not allowed to be who you are--a human being with many feelings. How unfortunate it is that you are convinced that being gentle and loving is unmanly.

As a Marriage, Family Therapist, many male clients have shared with me how scared they really were. Behind the safety of closed doors, some of them told me that they felt like an imposter, because down deep they felt very frightened but dared not to tell anyone-not even their wives.

Other male clients had done a good job of deceiving even themselves, and were really convinced that they never felt scared, sad, hurt, or powerless. They were amazed when they discovered how they had locked up their real selves before they were eight years old in order to survive in their environment. They were surviving; however they were not really living in the true sense of the word, and they were paying a heavy price.

I discovered that our emotions are expressed in our bodies and if we do not release them, they can cause us physical problems. For example, Jerry found that his ulcer healed once he dealt with all his fears. Sunny needed less insulin for his diabetes when he overcame his fears and hurts. Tom's doctor was amazed at how much his heart condition improved when he gave up his facade and faced his emotions. All of the men also succeeded in improving their relationships with their wives and children.

I recall one client, Bruce, a thirty-six-year-old man who loved baseball, who said to me, "Helene, I can't express my feelings out there in the business world. I'll get creamed." I replied, "Bruce, it's perfectly fine to be mainly logical and functional when you are working, but you need to be a switch hitter. That is, when you come home, you need to be able to be more emotional. To have a healthy relationship, you need to express your love and kindness, as well as your fears and hurts in a constructive way."

"Your anger, Bruce, is covering up your hurts and fears and pushes your loved ones away. Acknowledge your feelings and then encourage others to do the same. Then you will find out that your true role is to be human. In fact, it takes much more courage to say you're scared than to express your anger."

"Bruce, know and accept that you are a man and that you don't have to prove it to yourself or anyone else. All you need to do is to demonstrate it, by being yourself. Communicate honestly and constructively all of your emotions if you want to be healthy and happy."

"What a gift, Bruce, you give to your son when you model for him how to be real and genuine. Let him know that it's okay to feel weak, scared, sad, and hurt, as well as strong and confident. Teach him how to express his love and caring and to be soft and gentle. Share with him that he is a male, a man, no matter what he is doing and how he is feeling. Let him know that no matter what anyone else says or does to him, he is still a wonderful man. Tell him to stand up tall and to walk forward with love for himself and others."

Bruce had tears in his eyes. He was so sad to have been under the illusion all these years that he was not a man if he expressed any feelings besides anger. He was also very touched by the new information and was anxious to go home and to share it with his wife and son. Bruce left the office feeling vulnerable and loving, strong and confident, and knowing that he is a man. He was no longer caught up in the male dilemma.