Nobody wins in a power struggle. They are the most unfruitful things we can do with our children, yet often as parents we find ourselves having a power struggle.

Recently my 13 year old son decided to test the limits on a Friday evening. His friends called over at about half past eight at night and asked him to come and play in the park. Now Kieren knew that it would be over my dead body.

All the same he thought he would try his luck so he said to me, "Mum, please can I go outside with my friends to the park?" I said "no", and Kieren asked me again. I repeated my answer quite firmly by saying, "no you will not go outside again tonight". We had just arrived home from Youth Group so I was hardly depriving my kids of entertainment.

I heard Kieren becoming increasingly more annoyed and verbal in an attempt to get me to change my mind, or at least let me know his displeasure. I even heard him slam the bedroom door twice, something he had never done before. He was not happy.

But here's the thing, I didn't try to make Kieren happy about my decision. He needed some time to cool off that night. He actually went to bed in a huff with me, something that was quite out of character for him.

We must realize where these negative behaviors come from. Kids often try to exert power and control over someone else, especially parents. When these kinds of behaviors occur (for example eating slowly or dawdling) parents need to offer choices rather than giving direct demands. This is important. It will ease the pain of the conflict and probably prevent many a power struggle.

It is human nature to test authority. Most of us do it at some time in our lives. But when kids do it they are wanting to know that you will not waver in your boundaries. This gives them a feeling of security in their lives.

I have realized that as a mother to four kids it is not always my job to be liked. In fact sometimes your kids will hate you for the boundaries you give them. Kieren hated what I did to him on that Friday night. But the next morning he was very sorry for his behavior.

I accepted his apology, nevertheless the consequence stayed the same. You know, do the crime, pay the time. When Kieren woke the next morning his bedroom door was off its hinges. That was for the door slamming episode that should never have happened in our house. And that action itself was avoiding a power struggle. There have been no more door slamming episodes in our house and Kieren has learned a valuable lesson.