Step parenting frequently brings its own particular problems as the new step parent finds himself or herself caught in the middle between the children and the biological parent. precisely how much of a problem you are going to meet depends upon a whole variety of factors, not the least of which will be the degree of co-operation you receive from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.

The secret to successful step parenting lies first in clearly determining your role with the biological parent because you are certainly going to have an uphill struggle if the two of you are not fully in agreement from the outset. With any changes in a relationship however you must also realize that adjustment takes time and you will have to adopt a 'step by step' approach. Any attempt to hurry things, or to push the situation, will almost certainly lead to frustration and even conflict. The biological parent could well feel threatened by the need to share parenting and will have to have time to adjust and to acquire confidence and trust in you as a parent to his or her children.

Your next step will be to establish your position with the children who, unless they are very young, will usually resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will have to take things gradually and accept that the children will need time to adjust to the situation before they will accept you in the role of a parent. Once again, you will need the assistance of the biological parent in building your relationship with the children.

Any successful transition into step parenting must start with a clear and frank conversation with the biological parent, during which each party must talk honestly and freely about how they view their own role, as well as the role of the other party, and you must both come to a clear agreement on just how you ought to share parenting responsibilities. This conversation also needs to set clear boundaries but need to be adaptable to allow for adjustment, particularly in the critical initial weeks and months following the establishment of this new relationship.

This initial conversation will not of course be the end of the matter and several such discussions will have to take place before any really meaningful and lasting change in parenting responsibilities can take place.

Have reached agreement the next step in the process is to get the children on board and this must initially be led by the biological parent. At a suitable time the family should all sit down together and the biological parent has got to start a discussion in which the plan that you have come up with can be revealed to the children and then discussed with them.

At this point it is important to emphasize that this must be a true discussion and not simply a case of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is critically important that the children contribute to the discussion and that their thoughts and views on what you have agreed be heard. Just like adults, children need to be permitted to have a sense of control over their own lives and need to feel comfortable with the situationthey find themselves in. This is not to say that the children must be given control over the situation, which should stay firmly in the parents' hands as the ultimate decision makers, however, every effort should be made to make sure that they comprehend the situation and that they are as happy with it as is possible.

The mere fact that the children are able to see that their parents have obviously considered the position very carefully, and are in agreement about it, will go a long way towards preventing the children from playing the parents off against each other and their inclusion in the process will also help considerably in getting them on board.

Arriving on the scene as a step parent can be very difficult for not only the step parent but for the biological parent and for the children and everybody will have to work together carefully and take their time to establish an environment in which everybody can live together happily.