How will we get clean? By using soap of course. Let's look at the ways in which we could use soap to clean up the Government's act.

We could make a law whereby every politician caught dissembling would have to have their mouths washed out with soap. Soap tastes awful. Soap smells nice though so we would have a lot of politicians with fresh breath as a result of using soap in this simple way.

In a system such as the British system we could give a large bar of soft soap to the speaker who could throw the soap at any politician who is behaving inappropriately. Of course politicians are always trying to soft soap the public. This is a great use of soap as soap can be shaped easily; soap can be soft without being too soft. Much better that the chalkboard duster my teacher used to throw at me.

Certainly people complain that, come election time, selling the Prime Minister is like selling a bar of soap but when you buy the soap at least you get the soap you want. So often politicians bleat on about cleanliness. The Tory approach is to value cleanliness (and therefore soap), to teach cleanliness in our schools (and therefore soap) and to promote cleanliness. The Labour approach would be to subsidize soap sales, provide soap to the poor, regulate soap quality and monitor cleanliness. In the end only one of these plans would result in cleaner people.

Politicians just love getting on their soap box. No matter what question is put them their evasive skills are phenomenal as they merely trot out their usual diatribe. Wouldn't it be marvellous if they would just give a straight forward answer without any soap.

If politicians could create their own brand of soap it would be called "Political Soap Opera". This means they can use this soap to wash their hands of anything that might be corrupt and lead back to them. They can use this soap to soft soap their detractors. With this soap they can wash away all insinuations as to their claiming too much in expenses. When the next elections come around they can use this soap to ensure a clean sweep!

Politicians continually deride the state of education in the UK. One only has to watch prime Minister's Question Time to see the amount of soap wash that is propounded. Their mass braying and cat calling give a fine example to all children and students watching. It is better than soap opera. Most of us would be delighted to wash their mouth out with soap but... we must dream.