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The holiday season brings unique challenges to
dealing with affairs. Holidays bring with them
many expectations, both realistic and unrealistic.
These expectations carry with them increased
emotional sensitivity. With the heightened
emotional sensitivity dealing with an affair can
easily become a high drama situation. Everyone
involved with an affair situation brings
additional drama to an already volatile situation.
The resolute spouse, the disloyal spouse and the
lover each exert pull on the situation and each
other.
Even without the affair, the holiday season
brings remembrances and recollections from past
holidays. Under healthy circumstances, such
remembrances are viewed as good things. In the
circumstance of an affair, such recollections
often bring with them the unfulfilled desires
from previous years and yearnings to satisfy
those desires. A fantasy is created concerning
how the affair will change or fix things. An
affair will change things although not in a
predictable or healthy manner. The parties
involved in the affair often feed into each
others fantasy. With the holidays, people are
more susceptible to entertaining fantasies,
especially with merchants and advertisers
encouraging fantasies.
When unfulfilled desires are channeled into an
affair, those involved often look at it as the
fulfillment of what had been denied to them in
previous years. It is as if they are looking for
a new fix for an old hurt. In circumstances where
old unfulfilled desires stem from earlier years
in life, the affair becomes disappointing.
In considering dealing with affairs in the
holiday season, the proactive actions to avoid
affairs include:
1.Practice moderation in drinking and hours you
keep.
2.Get plenty of sleep.
3.Avoid high risk situations where affairs may
occur. If you are attending a party with high
risk persons, take extra precautions.
4.Recognize that affairs often start with "ISM" (
I-self-me) thinking. When such thoughts start
occurring, you may have to avoid or alter the
situation.
In the event an affair has occurred the following
general actions are needed.
1.Be honest with yourself about what is
happening or has happened.
2.Don't try to buy your spouses affection with
expensive gifts. (I am NOT saying do not give
gifts. I am saying to not try to buy off your
guilt with a gift).
3.Spend time with your family, rather than avoid
them.
4.Don't threaten your spouse.
Although the holiday season has many potential
dangers, the increased emotional
sensitivities also provide opportunities for
reconciliation. During the holiday season, many
people are more generous about forgiving. Recall
that forgiveness is NOT pardoning, approving or
accepting the behavior.
Besides opportunities for reconciliation, the
holidays also provide opportunities to create new
family memories. Since there is greater
likelihood of acceptance during the holidays,
this time provides opportunities for rebuilding
family relationships that may have suffered
damage related to the affair. These relationships
may be with your children, in-laws, or other
extended family members. In your attempts at
rebuilding relationships it is always important
to accept people for who they are.
The holidays provide unique challenges, dangers
and opportunities. Depending on how these unique
qualities are dealt with, an affair can be
especially devastating during this time. When
faced with honesty, and courage, the holidays
provide many opportunities for reconciling and
healing.
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