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Truth goes hand in hand with acceptance. People
can often see the truth, but experience
difficulties in accepting what they see. In
dealing with the aftermath of an affair, once you
tell yourself the truth about what is going on
both inside you and with your partner you have to
deal with acceptance. Acceptance is a full meal
deal. You can confront people on some of what
they do, yet it is important to let go of the
hopes that you can 'fix' them or change them.
People have to be accepted for who they are. This
includes their habits, proclivities, preferences,
etc. Trying to accept them piecemeal or
selectively does not work if you want to have a
relationship with them. Selective acceptance may
help keep the peace, but it does not allow
relationship building. Selective acceptance
actually creates distance within the relationship.
If you desire reconciliation you will need to
accept you spouse for who they are.
You have to accept you for who you are, accept
them for who they are and accept what occurred
for what it is. Often, in affair situations, the
situation and people are modified, enhances and
fantasized about. It is easier to see the lies
that your spouse is subscribing to. It is
difficult to see the lies that you have been
subscribing to yourself. It is almost as if
people often find themselves dealing with
fantasies about themselves, the partner and the
situation more often than the real thing.
Acceptance means a warts and all approach to who
and what you are dealing with. Once you have
accepted 'what is' then you have the basis for a
relationship. I will follow up next on what needs
to be done after acceptance.
It is only after acceptance has occurred that you
can begin with forgiveness. The reason for truth,
then acceptance, then forgiveness is that you
have to know what it is you are looking at
forgiving. If you forgive before accepting the
situation, there may be some unsettled issues
that continue in the relationship. It also
follows logically that if you are going to
forgive, you need to know what it is that you are
going to forgive. When you have been truthful and
frank in dealing with matters, you know what it
is. When you have accepted what is, then you are
ready to consider forgiveness.
During the time between acceptance and
forgiveness, you may have to work through denial.
At some level you may know the truth, but may not
want to accept what is there. The reluctance to
accept what is there is natural. We often do not
want to face what is there. When you begin
working through acceptance, there is often pain.
The pain is part of the acceptance process. It is
painful to be in relationship with some people.
To deny that pain is to deny the reality of the
relationship or deny something that is in
yourself. Even in a Christian context, these
issues have to be dealt with. There may be things
you need to let go of, or forgive, or the pain
may be letting you know that there is some issue
that needs attention in the relationship. To deny
the pain is to deny your humanness.
How long does it take to work through the
acceptance? That often depends on what kind of
issues you are having to come to grips with. This
is where you need a counselor that will work with
you through the pain rather than one that takes
up your pain and seeks to do something to that
partner who hurt you in order to make them pay?
You do not need revenge at this juncture, you
need encouragement to work through the issues.
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