Well, I took me a woman late last night,   I's three-fourths drunk, she looked uptight.   She took off her wheel, took off her bell,   Took off her wig, said, "How do I smell?"   I hot-footed it . . . bare-naked . . .   Out the window!      Well, sometimes I might get drunk,   Walk like a duck and stomp like a skunk.   Don't hurt me none, don't hurt my pride   'Cause I got my little lady right by my side.   (Right there   Proud as can be)      I's out there paintin' on the old woodshed   When a can a black paint it fell on my head.   I went down to scrub and rub   But I had to sit in back of the tub.   (Cost a quarter   And I had to get out quick . . .   Someone wanted to come in and take a sauna)      Well, my telephone rang it would not stop,   It's President Kennedy callin' me up.   He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow?"   I said, "My friend, John, Brigitte Bardot,   Anita Ekberg,    Sophia Loren."   (Put 'em all in the same room with Ernest Borgnine!)      Well, I got a woman sleeps on a cot,   She yells and hollers and squeals a lot.   Licks my face and tickles my ear,   Bends me over and buys me beer.   (She's a honeymooner   A June crooner   A spoon feeder   And a natural leader)      Oh, there ain't no use in me workin' so heavy,   I got a woman who works on the levee.   Pumping that water up to her neck,   Every week she sends me a monthly check.   (She's a humdinger   Folk singer   Dead ringer   For a thing-a-muh jigger)      Late one day in the middle of the week,   Eyes were closed I was half asleep.   I chased me a woman up the hill,   Right in the middle of an air raid drill.   It was Little Bo Peep!   (I jumped a fallout shelter   I jumped a bean stalk   I jumped a ferris wheel)      Now, the man on the stand he wants my vote,   He's a-runnin' for office on the ballot note.   He's out there preachin' in front of the steeple,   Tellin' me he loves all kinds-a people.   (He's eatin' bagels   He's eatin' pizza   He's eatin' chitlins   He's eatin' bullshit!)      Oh, set me down on a television floor,   I'll flip the channel to number four.   Out of the shower comes a grown-up man   With a bottle of hair oil in his hand.   (It's that greasy kid stuff.   What I want to know, Mr. Football Man, is   What do you do about Willy Mays and Yul Brynner,   Charles de Gaulle   And Robert Louis Stevenson?)      Well, the funniest woman I ever seen   Was the great-granddaughter of Mr. Clean.   She takes about fifteen baths a day,   Wants me to grow a cigar on my face.   (She's a little bit heavy!)      Well, ask me why I'm drunk alla time,   It levels my head and eases my mind.   I just walk along and stroll and sing,   I see better days and I do better things.   (I catch dinosaurs   I make love to Elizabeth Taylor . . .   Catch hell from Richard Burton!)