Kicked Out by your Old Lady, Turn to Truck Livin

By: Andrew Bernhardt

It starts with all of your stuff out on the lawn. Or half of it, anyway, thanks to the moo-moo-wearing yard sale scavenger next door. You’re down to just a handful of clothes, a busted painting of dogs playing poker, and a gaggle of tools that includes none of the ones you actually use. You’ve been unceremoniously evicted from your happy home by the ball of terror that is your enraged lady friend. And, while you may admit fault decades down the line or next week after 3 or 20 beers, you can’t help but angrily split the scene spewing your foulest French.

Let “Survivor: Down by the River" begin. It may seem like a dire situation at first, but, with your pickup and a few choice truck accessories, you can actually thrive on your own. Sure, there’s no surprisingly hot chicks littered with mite bites—and certainly no million-dollar prize for lasting longest—but just getting by is what truck dwelling is all about. Remember: you only need to outlast your lady’s indignation, give or take a few extra weeks fueled by her unsavory friends that massively overestimate their own hotness.

First, you need a place to sleep besides the driver’s seat in full recline.

For this, a combo of a truck tent and a custom truck bed mattress is your best bet. The truck tent keeps rain, snow and high-perched birds from ruining your makeshift dwelling. Meanwhile, the custom mattress, which has specialized shaping to account for your wheel wells, provides plenty of comfort. It’s not quite as nice as a pillow-top or your old waterbed from the bachelor pad days, but it’s better than sleeping on a wad of jeans and bare sheet metal. Heck, the tent and mattress setup are probably good enough to entertain a guest, if you catch my drift.

Next, you need some good seat covers. When you consider that the front and rear seats of your truck become your living room, dining room and changing room while pickup dwelling, it’s hopefully obvious why you need covers. If not, I’ll spell it out to you: you won’t be showering very often, the food you’ll be grubbing is pretty harsh on the plumbing, and changing in the back seat presents too many chances for skin-to-upholstery contact that could ruin your truck forever.

You’ll also need a kitchen—especially if you’re beginning to like life without rent to pay or the feel of plopping in the bushes. The perfect solution: a hitch-mounted barbecue. It’s a full-on propane grille, complete with a tank holster, a pivoting arm and a temp gauge, meaning you can enjoy riverside burgers and occasionally dry your clothes.

When it’s all over, and you can reclaim your throne as king of the house, don’t feel like all of your truck accessories are now a waste. You can still take the lil’ lady camping with all of your newfound gear, once the crimson in her face subsides a bit. Or, if she’s not down with a little taste of the pickup autonomy you enjoyed during your exileFind Article, you can always see if her sister is.

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