I just turned 45 last month and my life has changed a lot. I used to be the life of the party but over time I started to mellow out. I had just retired early and my wife left me for the pool guy so I felt like I needed some major changes in my life.
My hair has been really thinning, so the first thing to try was a new toupee. I hesitated at the door of the wig store, but finally stepped inside. The guy at the store was really persuasive. I tried on a ton of styles but finally walked out with an afro and a blonde mullet.
Next I had to find a foxy lady and so at 10pm I drove out to the club. I fluffed up my new afro and sucked in my gut and thought to myself: "What woman could resist this studmuffin?" Outside the club, there was a long line of beautiful people who were guided by velvet ropes to the entrance. I took my place and flashed my dazzling dentures at a trio of chicks behind me.
As we were waiting, I noticed an ogre-like bouncer at the doorway looking at everyone with suspicion. When someone approached, he would shine his tiny flashlight on their ID, size them up like he was going to eat them and then either push them out of line or lumber aside to allow them entrance.
When my turn came, I started fishing around for my wallet, but the ogre stopped me with his raspy laugh. "No problem for you pops," he said, "You've gotta be as old as my grandpa". The girls behind me must have heard him because they started giggling and I dove into the club to escape them.
Inside, it was dark and I felt disoriented. Lights were swirling everywhere and the bass was booming so loudly that I considered taking out my hearing aid.
"Hey baby," I shouted to an attractive woman, gyrating my hip and trying to think of my best pickup line. But for some reason the woman shrieked and ran away.
Just then I noticed a greasy looking guy in the corner motion to me. "Hey gramps, over here." I pretended not to hear him, but he slithered over and pulled me aside. "I think I can help you my friend" he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a plastic baggie. Inside was what looked like a bunch of sweet tarts. Suddenly, it all fell into place. It must have been my bad breath that chased the girl off! And this man was kind enough to bring me some mints! For some reason he wanted a hundred dollars for the baggie but hey, there's no time to haggle when you're in the zone.
Just to be on the safe side I downed the whole bag and was back out on the dance floor.
I don't remember much after that... From what I read on the news, a crazed man started a riot at the club and led cops on a high speed chase in a stolen corvette. Apparently, they never caught the guy, but whoever he was, he inspired me for my next purchase: a sports car with a new Gibson Exhaust system!
