Oneness in Marriage

by : Murphy Toerner



  • companionship
  • love
  • security
  • it's the next logical step after college or after launching from one's family of origin
  • procreation
  • to appropriately satisfy sexual desires
  • it is a holy institution designed by God
  • others...

There are many other possible reasons...! The one we want to focus on is "oneness." We believe that people get married to experience "oneness" or a "shared reality" with another human being.

When two people get married they have:

  • a shared history
  • a common language
  • a deep sense of companionship
  • a sense of security...among other things.

The idea of "oneness" is rooted in Genesis 2:24 --"the two shall become one flesh." The Revel Bible Dictionary (pp. 673-674) explains this phrase..."the two shall become one flesh" in the follow way. It suggests "the close bonding of individuals who love one another as equals and who can relate on every level of the human personality...[It] implies that husband and wife will experience the joys and sorrows of this life ... together."

We assert that "oneness" is achieved when each person:

  • Is interested in what is going on in the other's life
  • Accepts the other [willingly receives] and intentionally purposes to take the good with the bad
  • Tries to understand the other person...to know them thoroughly. It includes factoring in the effects of one's family of origin and the effects of one's life experiences prior to marriage
  • Is committed to learning the other person's primary love languages: time, talking, toughing, gifts, or acts of service
  • Is interested in the goals, hopes and dreams of the other person and desires to help them achieve these goals
  • Is sensitive to the fears and insecurities of the other person
  • Willing participates in (to an appropriate extent) the other person's life

"Oneness" is not a foreign concept for a believer in Jesus Christ. We are one with Him when we begin our "born-again" journey with Him. When we ask Him into our "hearts", we become "identified" with Him. This is a type of "oneness".
God designed the marital relationship to project to the world the type of relationship we have with Him. When we fulfill this goal of connecting with our spouses (oneness), we give the world a tangible picture of what our relationships can look like (with another person and with God). Remember, we (the church) are called "the bride of Christ" in the New Testament.
God's goal is that we experience this "oneness" in marriage. However, "oneness" is not always acheived. Or once it is acheived, it is not always maintained. We hope that the following exercise will be helpful to you. You can consider the questions yourself or perhaps you could discuss these with your spouse.

Exercise:

  1. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you accept your spouse? What would it take to improve your current level of acceptance?
  2. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you understand your spouse? Is there one area in which you wish your spouse were more understanding of you?
  3. Pray each day that God will show you ways to improve your level of acceptance of your spouse. Purpose to better accept the ways that your spouse is unique (different from you).

[Consider writing down your answers in a journal. Then, pray and ask God to help you grow in accepting your spouse. Ask God to give you the "grace" or "divine enablement" to understand your spouse better. Ask God to help you see your spouse with His (God's) eyes and heart. Ask God to solidify the idea that your way of doing things is not the only way to do things. You don't always have to be right or have the last word. Ask God to give you even more love for your spouse along with the courage and willingness to express that love consistently to him/her. Watch and see what the Lord is able to do in you!]
We would love to hear from you about the exercises. Contact us at
This is a series which will be continued.

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