Performance Rotors Put an End to the Squeaky Brake Blues

by : David S. Brooks

Dear Misanthropic Mike,
My wife's full-size SUV has a problem with squeaky brakes. I'm having the brakes replaced for the second time and the thing only has 50,000 miles. We complained to our dealer who told us the brakes squeak because they're so aggressive. Is there any truth to this claim? Where do I go from here? John G. from Laguna Nigel, CA

Listen-up you yuppie puke, the first thing you need to do is act like a man. The dealer was feeding you a line about the aggressive braking. Man, you must really come off as some kind of gullible little fool. Next, forget the dealer. If a dealer ever fed me that line of bull, he'd be pickin' buckshot out of his keister. Of course, my sense of humor's as warped as your wife's rotors.

Face it John, factory rotors contain less beef than a San Francisco soy burger. Everyone knows those skinflint automakers cut corners anywhere they can-including the brakes. That's why you'll continue replacing them again and again, so forget about it. My advice: go for some aftermarket rotors.

A set of quality aftermarket rotors from your local shop is the only way to stop that pig from squealing. And John, that's your local auto shop, not the place you buy your pleated chinos. A good shop will carry rotor brands like Brembo, Power Stop and Power Slot, and any of 'em will last way longer than those stock squeakers.

Beyond the lasting quality of aftermarket rotors, a great set of brakes will seriously bolster the braking power on that 2-ton titan. So when your wife is making her stops at the market and soccer practice and the dry cleaner and the salon, she'll be safe as a bug in a rug.

And John, if you have even an ounce of man-blood flowing through those pansy veins of yours, you'll change those things out yourself. But I have a feeling you'll be golfing or sailing that day, so make sure to have those rotors installed by a competent mechanic. Oh yeah, I'll be busy.