No Victors

by : Wayne and Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 6, 2004

Last Friday night I was caught with another woman by my girlfriend. When my longtime girlfriend came to my house, I told her I was going to bed early. She suspected something and came back to find this woman in my house. We had been cheating for about a year. The other woman didn't know either.

My girlfriend had a fit. She cursed me up and down and told me she wanted to hit me. After about 30 minutes of that, she left. On the way out she keyed my car. Then the other lady had her say. Mostly she could not believe I would do this to her.

I felt as low as I could feel. I felt so bad for my girlfriend. It hurt me so bad. I finally realized she is what I was searching for in a woman. I need her in my life. But she may never speak to me again. She may never look at me again with those big eyes. That thought feels like a knife cutting me inside.

Why did I do it? I look back now and know it was because of ego and lust. I didn't go after the other lady. She came after me. I backed off several times, but she kept coming so I gave in. When that woman asked me several times if I was seeing someone, I said I had a friend but nothing heavy.

This was hard on me, very hard. I carried around a lot of guilt which made me angry toward my girlfriend. My girlfriend knew something was up. She also kept telling me if I was interested in someone else to tell her. But I didn't want to lose her.

I told my pastor, and he prayed for us. He tried to call my girlfriend, but she would not answer the phone because she thinks it's me. Now my question is, how do I get my girlfriend back?


Matthew, there's an old saying that there are no atheists in a foxhole. For a year you did something your religion tells you not to do, but did you see your pastor then? No. You saw him after you got caught. Ask yourself if the god you worship isn't the god called self-interest.

You seek to use your pastor as a Trojan horse, but the Trojan horse was not a gift. It was a trick. You want to use your pastor to get your girlfriend back. You want her to forgive you. But forgiveness does not imply she needs to take you back, and she would be foolish to do it.

You would still be cheating if your girlfriend hadn't caught you. You blame the other woman even though you lied to her. That woman thought she had a boyfriend, when all you were doing was using her for sex.

If you don't suffer consequences, you won't learn not to do this again. You will learn you can cheat and get away with it.

Wayne & Tamara

Not Housebroken

My ex-husband and I divorced 10 years ago. He remarried in 1999 and is in the process of divorcing again. I have found peace in my life with my grown children, grandchildren, animals, home, and work. He, on the other hand, seems to thrive on chaos and criticism of others. His behavior toward others simply appalls me.

He contacted me again and says he wants me in his life. My family is totally against us having a relationship. They all think he is arrogant. I think I still love him, but I don't really think that much of his character. What do you think?


Linda, who doesn't love puppies? Their antics are spellbinding. But they also mess on the carpet and chew on the furniture. If you take this "puppy" home again, you're apt to remember why you don't really like dogs.