Not being ready to remarry is one of the biggest problems I see with my coaching clients. Today, lets look at one of the ways you can KNOW you're not ready.
If your main reason for considering a remarriage is because you are overwhelmed with single parenting and think a remarriage will alleviate that stress and offer you the help you need - you AREN'T ready. Is there the potential that a remarriage might do this for you? Sure, but there's no guarantee. More than likely it will be MORE stressful because now you have a step family to contend with.
Here's why this is a bad plan:
You're using the marriage as a crutch
It's not so much about your new partner or how you can grow together and create a great life. This motivation is more selfish. It's about helping you with your needs. Assuming that this new person will step in and become another parent to your children. Step families just don't work like that.
You're assuming that a step family will be easier than single parenting
Boy are you in for a shocker! Step families are hard! You will not only be attempting to create a marriage but also trying to combine families. Demands on your time will increase exponentially. While you may believe having another person around to pick up the slack will offer you MORE time to relax, what actually happens is you have less.
Typically, the courtship is rushed
If you're so focused on just marrying to alleviate the stress, you won't be as choosy as you should be. You'll go for the first person who comes your way and is interested in getting married. If you don't take the necessary time to get to know each other, you can realize shortly after wedding that you married a complete stranger.
You've not adjusted to your divorce adequately
I agree that single parenting is hard. I don't discount that in the slightest. But, this is just another change that you HAVE to get through. There's no getting out of it. Without dealing with those post-divorce adjustments, you've not grown. Without growth, you're doomed to repeat your past mistakes.
So, don't make this your main priority in looking for a spouse. I'll go out on a limb and risk saying that as long as you're feeling overwhelmed with your life as a single parent, you really shouldn't be dating anyone, let alone trying to find a marriage partner.
Remarriage and the creation of a step family are huge undertakings. They are not to be taken lightly. Allowing yourself the time to make these decisions wisely is very important. As you continue to think through whether remarriage is a good option for you, let's focus on another way to know you are NOT ready to remarry.
If your main motivation for remarriage at this time is because you want to beat your ex-spouse to the altar, you are NOT ready. A remarriage should be about you and your new partner. It should have nothing to do with your ex-spouse. Let's take a look at the main reasons why this is such a poor choice for this life altering decision:
1. It's usually based on a rushed courtship
If your main concern is making sure you get married before your ex-spouse, your decision to remarry is based on his/her time schedule rather than that of the relationship you are in. You are not taking the time to really get to know your partner, deciding on whether they are truly a good match for you.
Without this valuable time, you don't have the opportunity to adequately prepare your children for this major change in their lives as well. This sets the marriage up for difficulties because the creation of your step family is off to a poor start.
2. You are obviously still connected emotionally to your ex-spouse
You're in a race to outdo your ex-spouse. This doesn't bode well for proving you've moved passed your previous marriage. Isn't it more than just a little hypocritical if your main desire for remarriage is to prove to your ex that you are over them?
You won't be able to fully commit to your new spouse if you are still so concerned about your ex-spouse. How fair are you being to your new spouse if you are constantly wondering and thinking about how to get even with your ex? In your effort to try to hurt your ex-spouse, you end up hurting your new spouse because in actuality you are just using them.
3. You will wind up hurting your kids the most
Your children have already gone through the struggle of one divorce. If you rush into a new marriage when you aren't ready, you're three times more likely to wind up divorced again. Typically, someone who chooses this motivation for remarriage has been involved in a highly conflictual divorce. This conflict hurts kids enough as it is. Bringing someone else into the mix too soon, is really hard on your children.
Seeing parents fight is extremely stressful. When you continue to pick fights with your ex-spouse, you are choosing to continue putting your children through this hurtful cycle. While it's understandable why you might consider this as a reason for remarriage while angry, it's a reason you need to let go of quickly. It puts everyone at risk.
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