I thought it would be good to focus on skills and perspectives that I as a parent need to work on personally. These are areas that aren't discussed a lot in parenting forums. And I have found that I tend to beat myself up over my inadequacies. This made me feel hopeless because I didn't know what positive traits I could use to replace the toxic ones.
In the Total Transformation program, I found answers to replace my internal accusations. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least, that Dr. Lehman addresses those areas that would seem to cause me to derail. Not to mention lose sleep. But mostly, inhibit my parenting from being as effective as it could.
Time for a Parent to Change
I'd like to show you a few effective parenting tips that gave me results right away.
1. Family business. Using a semi-formal business-like demeanor in handling out-of-line behaviors will leave you in the driver seat. When emotions are allowed to rule, control is given to the child. Their actions are not personally aimed at you, really! If you can remember they aren't even sure who they are most days, it will help you parent effectively.
2. Transition Time. This is one of my favorites. Basically, discuss with your children that there will be a 10-15 minute window when either of you gets home where no questions are asked or problems presented. Everyone gets these few moments to unwind, catch up on the news of the day and reenter the family. Doing this without being barraged will make you a happier, interested parent. And your teen won't feel attacked.
3. Responsible love vs unconditional love. There is some confusion here as we have always been told to love our children unconditionally. However, that is an emotional love and not a responsible love. This will lead your child to feel unsafe and unloved. A child feels loved when you set rules and are in charge.
4. Replacement and reciprocity. Always be ready to have replacement behaviors for your child's inappropriate ones. Share with them the positive results that can come from using them. You may have to walk them through this. This will replace your yelling "stop!" Prepare these behaviors ahead of time and you won't be trying to parent on the fly so much.
The list does go on and so do the areas we as parents can find room for improvement. This is imperative if effective parenting skills were not the norm for you as kids. Don't fear these changes. The caring, open relationship you will receive from your kiddos will be priceless.