Well, I was chasing down flies and shooting up women   Trying to get the whole thing straight in my head   Lookin' for a girl who?d come with me swimming   And come and play tunes at the end of my bed      And all the hardmen were drinkin' down petrol   I'm bamming up the girls when in came the law   Heading for the door and getting tongue tied   When they asked me what exactly I saw      So I?ll get some Monte Christos   And we can all go see the band   Well, I may not be a looker, yeah   But I?ll help you any way I can      Well I'm back at my room I was making me nervous   Then I watched TV and picking my feet   Wishing I was pretty and burning my shoes   Wishing for once I?d kept the receipt      I called myself and wondered out loud   I tried to get the whole thing straight in my head   I left the tape running and played it back twice   But I couldn?t make sense of what I had said      So I?ll get some Monte Christos   And we can all go see the band   Well, I may not be a looker, yeah   But I?ll help you any way I can, alright      Well, it may not make you handsome   And it may not even make you feel alive   You may not have the ransom   But you can always count on this   It?s him and them and she and me   Sick and muddy, everybody      So I?ll get some Monte Christos   And we can all go see the band   Well, I may not be a looker, yeah   But I?ll help you any way I can      And you can bring your wasters banjo   Bring your sister and her friend Diane   Well, I may not have a big boys pistol   But I?ll help them any way I can      And you can call me Cinderella   Call me your best man   Well, you may be a right old queen   But I?ll help you any way I can, alright      It's alright