You will need to arrive at a quarter to five   If your plane is departing at ten   When you called for a seat, we advised you to meet   At the gate and we'd let you know then.      The seats are so teeny you'll sit like Houdini   Be quiet and listen to this   If we should fall in a fiery ball   Kiss your own ass good-bye, then your kids.      On the plane, on the plane   You will do exactly as we say   You'll remain in your seat   With your bags at your feet   Till the speech is complete on the plane.      If we sit on the runway from now until Monday   Well, all we can say is "too bad"   Up front there's free liquor and they get there quicker   So those folks are not quite as mad.      You've paid your dinero, this movie's just fair   Oh, but here comes the part that's so good   Then the pilot will cut in; "We can't see Cleveland   But if it weren't cloudy, we could."      On the plane all is well   Just think of it as practicing for hell   I'm in five, you're in four   You lean back anymore   you'll be shoved out the door of the plane.      We are not responsible for...anything   And everything can go wrong   We really don't know where we'll go or when   And you may never see your bags again   Such a shame, on the plane.      Your carry on stuff has to fit in this box   If it doesn't and you make us wait   You'll be pulled from the line with a hook from behind   And then beaten and shot at the gate.      The air that you're breathing's been re-circulating   Since Orville and Wilbur were boys   If you should choke, here's a thimble of coke   You do realize that coughing annoys?      On the plane, on the plane   People are we perfectly insane   The skies are not so friendly   Delta isn't ready   I prefer the bus   USAIR begins with US   It's truly torturous   On the plane...on the plane.