I said a bad word when I was a kid   Mama said, that I'd be sorry for the sin that I did   My daddy whooped me and the preacher said shame   And I tried like hell to change      But I cuss, I smoke, I laugh at dirty jokes, the minor vices   Man, I know 'em well, I've closed down bars, I've lusted in my heart   My ex's think I oughta burn in hell, but the devil he won't notice when I die And don't you figure, he's got bigger fish to fry, oh, yeah      Politicians taking pork barrel bribes   Crooked CEO's are getting off with no time   Christmas Eve burglars stealing good children's toys   (Can't say Christmas)   Holiday burglars stealing good children's toys      I cuss, I smoke, I laugh at dirty jokes, the minor vices   Man, I know 'em well, I've closed down bars, I've lusted in my heart   My ex thinks I oughta burn in hell, but the devil won't notice when I die Yeah, don't you figure, he's got bigger fish to fry      Yeah, there's gonna be bonfire burning   An everlasting barbecue   But with all the bad stuff going on   There ain't gonna be room for me and you      'Cause we cuss, we smoke, we laugh at Tater's jokes   Tell one Jim, you know you're old when your wife says   "Honey, let's run upstairs and make love   And your answer is, "I cannot do both"   The minor voices, man, we know 'em well      We've closed down bars, we've lusted in our hearts   Our ex's think we oughta burn in hell   But the devil, he won't notice when we die   Hey, don't you figure, he's got bigger fish to fry      Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry   Pass the tartar sauce   When we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing it will be