In reality this is far from the case. Your unconscious mind the 90% of the mind that we are not usually aware of has great problem solving capabilities. Once you have the know how you can use these at will.

To gain help from the unconscious mind we must think of the solution not the problem. It happens like this. The smoker who wants to quit thinks "I must stop smoking" but his unconscious mind can't process a negative so it hears and acts upon the word "smoking". This causes him to continue smoking and possibly to even smoke more.

How does this relate to dating, Karen thinks, "I wish Keith and I weren't always arguing" The emphasise is on arguing which is what she is concentrating on making it likely to happen even more. What Karen needs to think of and mentally picture is the situation that she actually wants, she and Keith enjoying each other's company.

Once Karen does this its likely that over the next few hours and days she will think of ways to make time spent with Keith pleasant and argument free. This process would be helped along by Karen writing down as many possible solutions as she can think of to the problem of her arguments with Keith.

The more she can be creative and think out of the box the more likely she is to find a workable solution. It's important to generate as many ideas as possible for two reasons. 1/ Problems are often solved by using a combination of ideas and techniques rather than just one. 2/ Once Karen has her ideas she will turn them into "action steps" and act on them. If she comes up with only one or two ideas to turn into action steps she may not act on any of them, if she comes up with fifteen there is a good chance that she will act on five. This way she increases the likelihood of taking action to bring about a solution.

Once Karen has written down her whole list of potential solutions she will examine each one in turn and decide which one solution or combination of solutions is most likely to work best for her. She will then turn her solution into an action step or series of steps.

She will then begin to solve the problem. It's important to start putting the plan into action now rather than waiting until tomorrow or next week. By taking action Karen puts herself in control of the situation. Although Karen can't control Keith's behaviour she can control her responses to it. By doing so she is able to move herself and Keith forward to achieving the goal of enjoying each other's company.

Karen will also be prepared to adapt her solution as the situation unfolds. She will show self-reliance and flexibility in the way that she deals with her relationship problem. These qualities will almost certainly be rewarded. Most importantly she will concentrate on the solution not the problem.