Our habits support what strategies we can use for effective communication. Consider the conflicts and frustration you experience every day. If you objectively observe these communication experiences don't be alarmed to find 98% of them are habitual communication breakdowns. Meaning, it's predictable that you will react the same way every time you encounter a specific stimulus (Think difficult co-worker, demanding spouse, and whiny children for clearer visual).

People don't think of their habits as possible sources of their conflicts, frustrations, and upset feelings. They never realize their habits are calling all the shots, giving orders like hit men to eliminate what threatens them. To make matters worse, we try resolving our communication breakdowns with quick-fix phrases from books or shaky advice from friends that only aggravate the situation. If you regularly experience this type of Communication Frustration then one of the following 3 habits is the likely culprit.

Habit #1 - The Habit of Moralistic Judgements

Wrongness or badness are the focal points of this habit. The target is anyone who doesn't act according to what we value and desire. Habitual moralistic judging uses language like "That's rude","They're conceited", "She's a good person", "He's lazy", "They're jealous", "She's stupid", "It's inappropriate", "I'm right", "You're wrong", "They're bad people", Other ways of making judgements include placing blame, ethnic slangs, name calling, labels, criticisms, and analyzing. Moralistic judgement is very concerned with who IS what by labeling people based on what they do and say.

Habit #2 - Comparing Self and Others

Pointing out how someone is deficient or lacking in some way are the focal points when making comparisons. Other ways of making comparisons are "You always", "He could never", "She deserves better", "I'll do it myself", "You're not fair" , "I'll never be like", "It wasn't meant to be". Making comparisons is very concerned with rationalizing who deserves what. Determined by what happens to us and those we care for.

Habit #3 - Denying Personal Responsibility

Convincing others we aren't personally responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the focus of this habit. Language we use to deny personal responsibility often includes "My boss says I have to", "I can't do it", "You make me angry", "She told me I could", "Nobody helped me", "I yelled because", "Why do you do that to me". Believing we're powerless given the choices available, we expect others to take responsibility for our our emotions, unspoken expectations, wants, and behaviors that we claim we couldn't control.

Start observing your daily conversations for where these habits show up regularly. Where are they most frequent with your spouse, children, and co-workers? Where do you want others to take responsibility for your feelings? How often do you break commitments, expecting others to clean up? What company policies, rules, and managers do you blame for not being satisfied with your career? Focus on fixing the habits that no longer support your ambitions. Keep in mind there's nothing wrong with you. It's your habits and strategies that need your attention.