When a person indicates they are defensive, you might as well hang it up for the time being. It means they are not capable of taking in any new information and therefore not amenable to working on solutions. Being able to recognize the futility of this can save you a lot of time and wasted energy. Unfortunately, it happens more than we'd like.

Poor communication is an indication of low emotional intelligence. It sabotages rising stars, and stalls careers. Low EQ is the reason why most people get fired.

Here are two examples of deadends. Our focus here is on the emotional intelligence (EQ) of the response. You might laugh at some of these real life, examples if they weren't so sad.

Call it ?giving it back in spades,? or ?clueless,? or ?provocative,? or ?res ipsa loquitur,? when you present a problem, and in their response they tell you the problem's bigger than you ever imagined, it's time for someone to get their resume ready. Mind you this door swings both ways. (Goor employees are lost this way also.)

YOU SAY: I can't get anywhere with this project because you haven't shown an interest in listening to me when I talk to you.

THEY SAY: That's not a fair statement. Anyone here will tell you I listen. Besides, I didn't call you in here to argue with me, I called you in to talk about the project. Now I don't want to hear that from you again.

YOU SAY: I don't care why you were late today. You've been late 4 times this month. Every time it's a different excuse and this has been going on for months. You cannot be late again and keep this job. This job requires punctuality.

THEY SAY: I couldn't help it. There was a traffic jam today. When I got to the turnoff at ...

YOU SAY: You talk down to me. It's demeaning.

THEY SAY: Honey lamb, when I say ...

YOU SAY: You don't seem to take me seriously when I give you a deadline. These deadlines are important to the success of this department.

THEY SAY: Hey did you see that latest thing on MySpace? Deadlines on this calendar appear to be farther away than they actually are? I thought that was a hoot. Too true, huh?

YOU SAY: I can't function with this sort of weekly meeting. You're intentionally trying to intimidate me. You don't say a word. Your arms are crossed. You place 'my' chair 10' away from yours.

THEY SAY: I put up with this for 10 years in the military. Now it's your turn.

YOU SAY: You don't seem to be able to make a decision on your own and that's not going to work in this firm. I need independent thinkers.

THEY SAY: Well my last boss said that I was ...

YOU SAY: People are telling me that you're difficult to communicate with. You don't give them enough information and seem blunt. Like you withhold information. They tell me you don't give them the information they need when they come to you for help. Do you think this is a fair perception?

THEY SAY: No.

YOU SAY: I'd really like to keep you in this office. You're the best paralegal we've ever had, but there seems to be some kind of attitude problem or something. The lawyers tell me when they have to correct your work, you just argue. They say you're too defensive.

THEY SAY: [interrupting] No I'm not. He's the one with the

problem. I've been doing this for ...

YOU SAY: You seem to be having a problem with stress. I know there's a lot of work in your area and we're under-staffed, but we've got a new person coming in next week. There's still going to be stress there though, because as you know there are some big deadlines coming up. Would you like to dicuss this now so we can find some ways to cope with it.

THEY SAY: No, no. You 're making me so nervous I can't even think.

YOU SAY: I'm willing to discuss this proboem with you any time, but if you continue to yell at me like this, I'm going to leave the office.

THEY SAY: [yelling] You always say that! With you it's always someone else's fault! [louder] Now you listen to me and you listen good. [louder yet] Don't you dare leave here!!