Children With Behavior Problems Video

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Children With Behavior Problems

Steven Griggs, Ph.d.

As an outpatient child psychologist, I often am asked what

are the most often-reported problems with kids. Here's my list:

"Yelling, Doesn't clean room, Doesn't obey (defiance), Ignores

me or Talks back, Disrespectful, Runs around too much (hyper),

Lies, Verbally or otherwise manipulates, Whines, Critical of

others, Plays too many electronic games, Poor grades, Destroys

things, Physical fighting or is aggressive in general,

Impulsivity, Noisy, Distractible, Curses, Lazy, Temper tantrums,

Selfish, Dawdling, Isn't trustworthy."

Does that about cover it? These are general categories and

there are a million "particulars" or variations on each theme.

These represent about ninety percent of the complaints parents

present when they visit a child psychologist.

So, what do we do with such a litany of complaints. The

first thing is to recognize that these behaviors actually have a

purpose (other than to make parents miserable). On the surface,

they may simply discharge tension, which feels good afterwards

but not necessarily during the "episode." Revenge is another

"popular" reason to act out. It feels good to have others

suffer, too. These behaviors may be designed to communicate

something. Usually this is a "change it" message, heavily

disguised. Kids do not usually have very good ways of

articulating their feelings, wishes, etc., but they sure can act

out with immediacy and intensity.

Paradoxically, many kids act out just to get parents to set

limits. Yes, that's right. Kids actually need limits and will

test parents to see where the parents set those limits. It is

counterintuitive, but children need to know what territory is

safe and what is not. Setting a limit establishes this and

doing so makes actually makes the child's anxiety go down, even

though the parent probably said, "No" to something (hence, the

paradoxical part...). Children will actually act out to get the

parent to set a limit. In general, these negative behaviors may

be the only way kids can tell parents that something needs

adjusting. Our task as parents is to figure out what is the

message.

How do we do that? A very important aspect of children's

behavior is the feeling it expresses. One of the first thing

I teach children is a vocabulary of their feelings. I teach

them what words go with what feelings. If they are very young,

I use a chart that has sixteen feeling words. Above each

feeling word is a face depicting that specific feeling.

Kids usually cannot come up with a word to describe their

feelings, but they instantly can identify the right face.

They point to it and I read the word. Presto! They have an

instant vocabulary (of one word) for that feeling. As I said,

kids do not do this naturally, unless they have an exceptional

parent that regularly verbalizes feelings. I rarely

(almost never) see parents do this.

Then I make it very rewarding for children to start using

those words, out loud, in a sentence rather than act out.

For young kids, a Star Chart suffices. Its loads of fun and

can be very creative, not to mention rewarding for the child.

Kids get a star when they say the right word. Later, stars can

be cashed in for prizes. Parents like it because it bonds the

family and creates a sense of working together. Now there is

a sense of family cooperation that is rewarded with each good

behavior.

Older children (about eleven or older) are not as interested

in Star Charts. They like video games or "screen time"

(any electronic activity). Parents cannot treat them in the

same infantile manner, but older kids still can be "shaped."

Older kids want things. They want the latest designer clothes.

They want to be taken to the mall. They want their own cell

phones. They want later bedtimes and curfews. These are their

versions of stars and parents can negotiate with older kids about

how many of these things they get in proportion to how much

effective communication (vs. acting out) the parent gets.

Dr. Griggs

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