Hey, everybody welcome out tonight   Hope you're having a good time out there   Don't forget about your waitresses and a coming up next   We got Sheena on the main stage      Athena on the disco and don't forget we got   Those recliner dancers in the back   Stick around and get those dollar bills out guys   And tip tip tip      Take it off, baby      Well, here's how this whole mess got started   Had a stripper at a bachelor party   I knew when she jumped out of that cake   We were meant to be      The next date we both flew off to Vegas   I must have been an ignoramus   I honestly believed that she   Loved me just for me      Oh, wasn't six months later it came to an end   I walked out of the courtroom crying   She left with a grin      'Cause she got half and I said, "Ow"   I mean dang that comes to nearly   Fifty thou per date   My butt had never been so chafed   'Cause she got half      I wondered if I'd remain lonely   Or would I find my one and only   Then the answer to my prayers   Appeared on my TV   (Call me now)      The cutest little tarot card reader   I knew that I just had to meet her   Then she said it was in the cards   For her to marry me      Oh, wasn't three months later I was in court again   No way she could have predicted   The way that it would end      'Cause I got half and she said, "Ow"   Two dollars a minute, so everyone call right now   Your future awaits and I will be the next Bill Gates   'Cause I get half      Sometimes you're better off as friends   'Cause if it ever ends then they get half   And you'll say, "Ow"   So I'm not looking to get married right now      I've got a date   With a beautiful Playboy Playmate   Who won't get half   No, she won't get half