When you called me a useless druggie   At least you got half of it right   When you called me a hopeless alcoholic   I'm only hopeless after nine at night   And when I said you came staggering home blind drunk   If I didn't you'd get terrible fright   And if this is the land of hope and glory   Where's the land of hope but not quite      I've been scruff bag, dirt bag, always someones binbag   But never been bono or sting   However I dressed never really impressed   So they never got to hear a damn thing   I've been bad man sad man certified mad   But never 007 or saint   Trendsetter go getter international jet setter   Are just a few things that I ain't      The time you told class I was a half wit   Was my very first 50 %   Previous best in any other test   Was either stolen copied or lent   And when you branded me and every single one of my mates   A waste of time and effort to teach   Why d'you give us sums if our only hope was bums   On someone else's deckchair and beach      I've been smart arse, mardy arse, on and off a lard arse   But never been a legend to god   New thing dumb thing even last year's thing   Headbang? - not even a nod!   I've been left-wing, secure-wing, lost stripes, gained winged   We've never caused a lady to faint   Wideboy, ladyboy, read it in the paper boy   A few things they said that I ain't      When popularity soared, hometown and abroad   I spent most of it trying to breathe in   Always ill at ease, too willing to please   An inferior life's bargain bin   When you come from a background of bargain bins   You're bound to fear it ends where it begins   So when nation adored we felt more of a fraud   And too phoney to celebrate wins      I've been scruffbag, dirtbag, always someones binbag   But never been Bono or Sting   However I dressed never really impressed   So they never got to hear a damn thing   I've been badman, sadman, certified mad   But never 007 or Saint   Trend-setter, go-getter, international jet-setter   Are just a few things that I ain't