I come down the steps  I slip on the ice  Santa Claus been lookin'  Who's been naughty, who's been nice  I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight  Jesus, he comes up to me, Jesus, he sits down  Says take this fuckin' cross off my back, I'm goin' downtown  I say aw, but ain't that your uniform  He offers me a toke  Says 2000 years is long enough for this particular joke  He says I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight  I'm up here singin' these songs every night  Sometimes I wanna just make 'em all up on the spot  Maybe they wouldn't rhyme too good, they might not make sense  But then at least I wouldn't be repeating myself  I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight  And you're the one I've chosen  And I guess you've chosen me  Let's turn off the commercials  Let's turn off the TV  How well can we get to know  Each other in an hour  We can fight the daylight  We have that power  I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight  Van Gogh sits next to me, with a bucketful of paste  He rips off my ear and says glue this to my face  I'd like to leave America for someplace where they would  Not know a word of English and I might be understood  I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight