My Subconscious Hates Golf

By: Bob Andrews

Bittersweet is the best way I can describe witnessing someone else's hole-in-one. Today, when out repairing my testosterone leak, I witnessed my friend Dudley hit one of the ugliest 8 irons in the history of golf; on #11 of Stone Fairways, a 148 yard, par 3. The ball came out low and left to a far right pin. It hit the very edge of the green and bounced right (it is Stone Fairways after all), checked up and rolled all the way across the green and fell into the hole.

Don't get me wrong I'm genuinely excited for Dudley. I slapped him around a bit, to get him out of his catatonic state. Got him in the cart, drove him to the green, and led him by the hand to pin, to pluck the ball from the cup. Made sure he kept the ball separate from all the less mystical balls, and proudly toasted him on the 19th hole.

Still the whole time thinking; I really, REALLY want a hole-in-one myself.

It one of those things most golfers want to do at least once in their life. I don't obsess over it, but it's been on my list for a while and it just ain't happening.

I have always believed that if you have a goal, even with out a concrete plan, the subconscious will somehow figure out how to get there. Now most of the time this works pretty good for me, but apparently my subconscious has no concept of what a hole-in-one is, or how to achieve it. Not a clue.

My subconscious is absolutely crystal clear on what bogeys and double-bogeys are, has an intimate knowledge of what a "Snowman" is (that's an 8 for those of you who only see low numbers on you card), even a vague notion of what birdies and pars are. But a Hole-in-one is so foreign to my mind, I fear I will be in my nineties before my subconscious catches on.

I was told some time ago by a Tony Robbins disciple, that in order to pre-program your subconscious, you need to write down your goal in a positive form. Well, in my wallet is a tattered little yellow posted-note. On it are scribbled the words "I WILL hit a hole-in-one". After 10 years of toting around this tiny little paper my desire to get hole-in-one and the other thing written on the note; "I WILL win the Lotto Jackpot" go unfulfilled.

Admittedly I have slightly lessened my odds of winning the jackpot by not buying lotto tickets, but I play a fair amount of golf and there have been plenty of opportunities for the magic to happen.

At this point I've consciously done everything possible to make a hole-in-one a reality.

While everyone in the clubhouse was drinking Dudley's credit card dry, I asked him what IS the secret to accomplishing this heroic feat. Did he visualize the moment, get hypnotized, Check his astrology chart and wait till the planets align, pray to the golf gods... what was it he did to make the seemingly impossible, possible!?

He didn't say anything, with a smile on his face, pulled his wallet out and inside was a little yellow posted-note, on it were written the words "I WILL hit a Hole-in-One".

My subconscious and I are no longer on speaking terms.

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