Talk about sick. Look at some of these phobias we have today. I'm not talking about common phobias like Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces) or Acrophobia (fear of heights). Everybody's afraid of those.

I'm talking about really strange ones, like Arrhenphobia (fear of men). I dated a girl who had that.

I don‘t have any myself. Weird ones I mean…I wouldn‘t call Alfalfaphobia…fear of the late Carl Dean Alfalfa Switzer, the kid with the cowlick on the Little Rascals. I just have a touch of it now mind you. But I wouldn't call that odd.

What about Celttophobia (fear of Celts). An ancient tribe of hairy red-headed Micks in bear skins. How many Celts have you run into lately? This is a real phobia. I'm not kidding.

What about Cherophobia, fear of gaiety. Does this mean you can't stand to be around happy homosexual people?

Chrometophobia is the fear of making money. I must have this because of the way I avoid making any.

Coprophobia is the fear of feces. In other words, you're scared shitless by shit.

Ergasiophobia, fear of work. Everybody's got that one.

Coitophobia, fear of intercourse. I've never had that one. But I do suffer from fear of not having it (intercourse).

Some phobias make as much sense as others don't. For example, Galeophobia, fear of sharks. Who in his right mind would possibly be afraid of a massive unseen animal who can rip your leg off with one bite?

Or Teratophobia, the fear of being a deformed child. I don't know about you, but I've always secretly hoped to become a deformed child.

Or Aeronausiphobia, the fear of vomiting on an airplane. I want to be cured of this phobia so I can joyfully splash my rancid cookies all over your lap on the plane.

Judeophobia, the fear of Jews, is a phobia actor Mel Gibson recently acquired.

Misophobia is the hatred or fear of wisdom. George Bush has that one.

Peladophobia, fear of baldness and shotguns. Dick Chaney has that one.

Fear of Dick Cheney. This is a new one just added under the title “Assholeophobia.”

Teutophobia is the fear of Germans. A lot of Democrats in California have that when they look at Governor Arnold.

Levophobia is the fear of objects on the left side of the body. You can cure this by always living on the extreme left wall of your house.

Mastigophobia is the fear of flogging. You don't have this if you're a masochist.

Ripuoffophobia is the fear of being robbed. You cure this by telling the robber, I want this to be a pleasurable experience for both of us.

Japanophobia is the fear of Japanese and Isopterophobia the fear of termites. Naturally, Japanisoterobia is the fear of Japanese termites.

Lepraphobia is the fear of leprosy. What a wimp you are. You mean to tell me you can't go up to a person whose head is rotting off their neck with highly contagious gigantic pus-ridden boils, and smear your face all over that person?

Are you a man or a Lepraphobe?

And finally, there is the person who is afraid of everything, who fears fear. We simply call this person a Panaphobe or a “chickenshit.”