Mom and dad are goin' out for the evening   And you're stuck inside the house all alone   That's when you decide it might be fun to harass someone   Dial a random number up on your telephone   You ask if their refrigerator is running   Then you tell 'em they should go out and catch it   Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin' 'em from   They'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet   Listen to me      Don't go makin' phony calls   Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to   I know that you think it's funny drivin' folks right up the wall   But it's really gettin' old fast      Little Melvin has a natural obsession   Askin' for Prince Albert in a can   He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call   To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan   He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning   Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four   He won't be laughin' when they're tracin' his line   One day the phone police will be there at his door   Yo, hear me      Don't go makin' phony calls   Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to   Swear someday I'm gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall   How long is this phase gonna last?   Come on      {Moe's Taverne, where the elite meet to drink   Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name Rotch   Hold on, I'll check   My crotch! My crotch! Hey, has anybody seen my crotch lately?   Listen to me, you little puke   One of these days, I'm gonna catch you   And I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an icepick}      Don't go makin' phony calls   Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to   You went through the New York City phone book and prank-called 'em all   Hope that you grow out of this fast   Grow out of this fast      Don't go makin' phony calls   Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to   But you think it's funny when you're drivin' folks right up the wall   But it's really gettin' old fast