Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 3

By: Rinatta Paries

Do you want to put to rest the people and situations from your past so they do not interfere with your current and future relationships?

I bet you said yes. Who doesn't have something in their past they want to put to rest? Then let's talk about what action steps you can take to create the absence of past -- or completion -- in your life.

Below are a series of action steps. You'll want to pick a few and repeat them until you are complete with various people and circumstances from your past.

The time it takes to get to genuine completion will vary from person to person and situation to situation. For some it can come quickly. But sometimes completion happens over time: we may have to forgive, let go, or communicate to people in stages over a period of time.

Here are 10 action steps to put to rest the people and situations from your past. Use these action steps on the list of incompletions you created from last week's article.

1. Write Letters


Write letters to the person or people to whom you feel resentful, hurt, or still attached. Freely say everything you want to say and write as many letters as necessary to feel complete, each time going deeper inside to express your full emotions. Do not send these letters, but instead do something with them that leads you to feel you are getting rid of the feelings. Flush the letters down the toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.

2. Tell Your Story


Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend, advisor, or your journal. Make sure neither you nor the person listening edit or judge what you say or write, give advice, or make comments to dispute your feelings.

Your job is to communicate and be listened to attentively.

3. Talk to the Right Person


Talk to the person with whom you have the incompletion. Do this only if you are sure the person will be able to listen to you in the same way as in Step 2 above. If you do have this conversation, make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about your feelings and the consequences in your life. If you have the opportunity, have as many conversations as you need to get complete.

4. Imagine Talking to the Right Person


If the conversation in Step 3 above is not feasible, have this conversation in your imagination. Give the conversation as much time and undivided attention as you would give a real conversation. This works best as a closed eye meditation/visualization.

5. Role Play


Ask a trusted friend to role-play the incomplete situation with you or imagine being back in the situation. Use this opportunity to say what you wish you had said. Repeat the role play again, but this time have the other person act in a way that would have avoided causing the incompletion. Repeat the process over time until you feel complete.

6. Reexamine


Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of the present. How did you grow as a result? Was there a hidden gift in going through the experience? What did you learn from the situation? Repeat until you can feel gratitude toward the situation and the other person.

7. Own What Happened


Take responsibility for it and figure out how to prevent a similar situation from happening again. Answer the following questions at length in your journal: How did you contribute to the situation, specifically? What motivated you? What did you ignore or not communicate? How will you respond differently next time at each of the key junctures?

8. Create Completion by Understanding


Look at the other person's motivations. You do not have to approve or agree. Simply understand. Answer the following questions at length in your journal: What made his/her actions inevitable? Did he/she have a true choice? What would have had to be different in order for his/her actions to be different?

9. Repair the Damage or Loss


Actively repair the damage or loss. If something of yours was taken, replace it with an item just as good or better. If you were emotionally hurt, give yourself the kind of support, acknowledgement, and love you wanted from the other person. Ask trusted others to provide you with the emotional support you needed and did not get.

10. Talk to the Spirit of the Person


Sometimes our relationships go so wrong and so much hurt is created that it is difficult to imagine the person giving us the understanding we need to get complete. In these cases, imagine having a conversation with the person's spirit, attentively listening while you say everything you need to say. Even when the person may not be able to hear you, their spirit always will. Repeat this process until you are complete.

These steps will help you put your past to rest. You will be ready to start working on attracting your ideal Mr. or Ms. Right -- figuring out and then breaking your relationship pattern.

Your Relationship Coach,


Rinatta Paries


www.WhatItTakes.com

Self Improvement and Motivation
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