We have come to the conclusion that the target we are aiming for as effective parents is to raise our kids so that they become responsible and successful young adults. Keeping this goal in focus, helps us hone our skills to that aim. At times, when the direction seems murky, coming back to this decision helps us decide which way to turn.

Sounds hard? It is really easier than you would think. There are 2 areas where children need direction; problem solving and accountability. Children who are being ornery and basically disrespectful, are telling you that don't know how to solve a problem. The easier part of effective parenting - go through the actions to identify and solve the problem. Then be sure to add the piece of accountability for the decisions they make, good and bad.

1. Problem solving journey. The best way to approach this important life skill is to start at the earliest age possible. If they make the mess, they clean it up. Teach them one block at a time. Then face the next problem with that same mindset, one step at a time. This in itself is teaching them problem solving at the core level, from stepping back to form a plan of action through to completion. Let them try, and fail if necessary. Do not rescue!

2. Coach them forward. All good coaches know that they can get the best out of their players if they stick to business and not to emotion. This too is our goal as effective parents. Being patient as we encourage them through this learning process will pay off in spades for them as adults.

3. You are their 1st role model. Sorry it is true. They are constantly watching your every move, good or bad. And learning from it. Approaching problems with a calm examining demeanor will lead them to do so. Don't fret if you get frazzled over the banged fender every now and again, telling your child you handled that poorly and how you would do it differently next time, teaches them how to positively handle mistakes. Also start handing over life situations. Let them pay for their Happy Meal. This will help them become comfortable with handling their own life.

4. Provide strategic help and solutions. Only give them things they can handle. Offer supportive assistance along the way, don't criticize them, and most importantly of all, don't do it for them. As tempting as this may be, you need to let them succeed or fail on their own. We all know it's easier to load the dishwasher or make the kids bed than to try to get them to do it, but what does that teach them?

5. Take chances, get messy, make mistakes. As the terrible teens threatened to hit you head on, duck and start handing over the reins more often. And don't forget to let them know how "awesome it is to watch the unique ways they chose to handle their problems".

6. Recognize setbacks and failures as opportunities. Everyone experiences successes and failures. Kids can learn from both, probably more from the failures than from the successes. Also, keep the failures in perspective. Don't freak out when they make a mistake - use it as a teaching opportunity.

While parenting, especially effective parenting, is a formidable task, do not lose heart. Especially with your teens. These previously mentioned skills will hopefully help you.