Separation and divorce aren't what any of us originally planned when we first married. Separation and divorce obviously do, however, occur. By arming yourself with knowledge, you'll give yourself a much better chance of avoiding the mistakes of the past so you can escape separation and divorce in your second marriage.



Facts about separation and divorce:

What causes separation and divorce?

Separation and divorce occur for many reasons. Sometimes people marry too young, or for the "wrong reasons"?financial security; a sense of "conquering" or "winning" the prize of the mate; to "rescue" a partner who is struggling; an unplanned pregnancy; or parental or peer pressure. Sometimes infidelity, abuse, or addictions create problems that result in separation and divorce; and at times people give up on marriage because they just feel they've grown apart, so separation and divorce seem their only real option.

What's the emotional fallout from separation and divorce?

Separation and divorce can produce a wide range of emotions: sadness, a sense of failure, feelings of rejection, guilt, shame, anger, concerns about children, relief, anticipation, etc. Along with these emotions come the social, psychological, financial, and physical consequences of separation and divorce. Relationships with children are often affected, and social networks change.

How do we avoid past mistakes that resulted in separation and divorce?

When we've dealt with separation and divorce, it's important that we take time to heal and to learn from our mistakes. Ideally, we analyze and seek to understand the strengths and weaknesses of our previous marriage before marrying again. It can often help to enlist the support and guidance of a professional therapist, a separation and divorce recovery support group, a trusted friend, or a spiritual or community leader. They can help us ask the important questions about our experiences and help us avoid some of the same issues that led to separation and divorce.

How do we reflect on a past separation and divorce, then move ahead?

That really is the goal: to reflect on a past separation and divorce, and then move ahead. Some people can talk openly with their current spouse about both resolved and unresolved issues from their previous marriage. In fact, research suggests that remarried couples may develop communication patterns that were lacking in their first marriage, and these contribute to marital survival and fulfillment that were missing in prior relationships.

So here's one practical suggestion: Think about taking some time, even if you've been remarried for years, to write a page or two that you call, "What I learned from my first marriage, along with the eventual separation and divorce." Engaging in a consistent process of self-evaluation and assessment of our current relationship can help to ensure that we don't repeat the mistakes of the past. If we do repeat them, or find ourselves slipping into old habits that might lead again towards separation and divorce, it's important that we rectify the problems as quickly and effectively as possible, and get help if we need it.