DO YOU HAVE ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS?



If you are reading this article, the answer is "probably not."

Do not feel badly, you are not alone.

In my twenty (+) years of practicing as an outpatient psychologist,

I have run into a lot of non-assertive people. In fact, not being

assertive is one of eight major conditions I treat every day. Moreover,

when you learn to be assertive, the intensity of the other seven

diminishes. Of the thousands of people I have worked with, about half

are not very assertive. Of the half that say they are, half of those

are not, at least by my definition. Of the remaining half of the half

that say they are assertive, most of them do pretty well, but still need

coaching.

So, what are assertiveness skills? In its most simple form,

assertiveness is sharing what your experience is with another person.

Think of it as playing a hand of cards. You have your cards facing you

and your opponent has his cards facing him. You lay your cards down,

face up on the playing table, so that he can see what you have.

You are sharing what your have. Metaphorically, you are

communicating what is your experience for another to appreciate.

This does not require the other player to lay down his cards.

Being assertive does not mean the other person has to say what

his experience is or to communicate with you in any way.

Assertiveness at it core is you sharing something about you,

preferably in a matter-of-fact way.

Assertiveness is not aggressiveness. Whey you lay down

your cards, you do not throw your cards at your opponent. You

lay them down nicely. When communicating, do so with aplomb or

at least just state your feeling about something or your opinion

about something without too much affect. Be direct and as we

psychologist are fond of saying, use "I" statements. Yelling,

name calling and/or hitting are all aggressive. Assertiveness

is not aggressive and can be accomplished even while sitting on

your hands and whispering.

Assertiveness involves five basic steps. Think of these

steps as a kind of flow chart, progressing from step one through

step five. You have to start with step one and not skip any

along the way. You cannot adequately master assertiveness

until you process all the steps. The steps are 1) Asking yourself,

"What are my thoughts and feelings?" Surprisingly, most people are

not very in touch with this stuff, so asking "primes the pump" of

awareness. Step 2) Ask yourself, "Are my thoughts and feelings

important enough to do something about?" The answer to most of these

questions will be "No." Most of our thoughts and feelings are just

that, thoughts and feelings. Most of our inner experience comes and

goes so fast and is of so little consequence to others that saying or

doing something about them does not seem fitting. We dismiss them and

move on. Or, do we? What if you think something is important?

Step 3) Fantasizing or planning what you might do... What if you have

something to say, or some feeling really bothers you? Are you going to

just "stuff it?" That is what most people do, and as a psychologist,

I can say that is not one of the preferred things to do with thoughts

and feelings. They have to go "somewhere" and stuffing them is like

putting them in a box behind your left ear. They may be gone for now,

but they will gather and build pressure and come out when you least

expect it. It is a bad idea to bury thoughts and feelings.

So, what might you do? Well, Step 3 is about thinking and planning

what to do. What might you say? To Whom? When? Where. Step 3

is "making a plan." And, once you have a plan, Step 4) is just doing it.

Step 5 is called Feedback.

These are the most basic assertiveness skills I can describe.

For detailed information about these, but more importantly a lot more

techniques, insights, and descriptions of what makes assertiveness really

effective, read my ebook on this very subject.

Dr. Griggs