I have a simple solution to life's problems, as far as my physical health is concerned. I don't worry about things I can't spell! This is a skill that is learned; you're not born with it. I have to credit TV with this ability to block out concerns over my health by simply ignoring anything that could show up on the National Spelling Bee.



I learned this technique from listening to television commercials. My wife hates TV advertising; that's why most of the time she has control of the remote. When a TV ad comes on, she watches it for maybe 3 seconds, and then switches to another channel, usually in mid sentence!

By nature I'm a lazy man, not adept at refocusing my brain whenever the unexpected happens. Until I became interested in commercials on the tube, I was living in blissful ignorance because I didn't know that many of the aches and pains that plagued me could be as serious as the ads proclaimed! They even had words to describe some of these that would tie anyone's tongue!

Because there are so many pharmaceutical, automobile commercials and lawyer's commercials on TV, it really gets confusing. While many drug ads are done with a serious voiced actor disguised as a doctor, pitching his product and telling you how it will change your life for the better, local automobile ads yell at you! Add an urgent sounding voice pitching an attorney's desire to give you money if you have certain problems, and you have, in my case, intellectual chaos.

It's inevitable that I get some of these mixed up while I'm concentrating on a commercial about an overactive bladder. The ad concludes with, "This medicine is not for everyone. Side effects could be abdominal pain, constipation for three days or more and," (remote click), No One! But No One can beat our sales price now during our Pre- Spring Sale at Honest Abe Motors, (click) until you know how this medicine will affect you, don't drive or operate heavy equipment."

All of this was being said in the same monotone by someone with a serious self image problem which switched to a clown shouting at me. To my my tired old brain, all of it seemed perfectly reasonable. Before I could really digest this information, something new appeared on the screen in front of me.

"In rare cases sleep medicines cause swelling of your tongue or throat, shortness of breath or worse." I was still thinking about bladder control and before I could figure out this interesting scenario, (click), "Be sure you're able to devote 7 to 8 hours to sleep before any activity."

Most pharmaceutical TV commercials, I've decided are pretty much interchangeable. Even throwing in an occasional lawyer ad doesn't seem outlandish when the channel is switched with such precision that it's almost impossible to tell that it is not the commercial you were just watching.

Absorbed in watching a commercial with an attorney type saying, "If you, or someone you know is suffering from Mesothilioma," (click) "Get here as fast as you can to Jimmy Jones' Car Corral before this offer expires!" (click) "You should not operate machinery or drive while taking this medication. Side effects include diarrhea, upset stomach and muscle pain!"

Living in a state of constant confusion is not altogether a bad thing because you discover that real life is actually pretty funny. Whenever I run across something I don't understand, I mentally put myself in front of the television set and pretend I'm watching a commercial.

(Click) "Do not use this medication if you are pregnant or may become pregnant." (click) "Let us help you get the money you deserve! (click) (We'll treat you like family!"