Nurturing a relationship is a matter of making the right moves at the right time. As in a game of chess, everything depends on strategies. This does not mean you have to manipulate and "be clever". On the contrary, this is one of the worst strategies that you can follow. Manipulation drives people away. It destroys intimacy. It aggravates loneliness.

Your first task is to comprehend a general pattern that cuts away at the quality of many relationships. This pattern is called the IFD syndrome. The capital letters IFD stand for idealization, frustration, and demoralization.

Idealization is a mental-emotional process that takes place in the first phase of a relationship. If you are prone to idealization, then you describe the other person in glowing terms. You may actually use the words out loud when talking to friends. Or you may think about the person. Here are a few examples of statements, said to others or the self, that reflect idealization:

1. He's wonderful! Just the greatest guy I've ever met.

2. She's perfect! Where has she been all my life?

3. He's so good looking. He could be a movie star.

4. She's so beautiful. She could win a beauty contest.

5. He's the most intelligent man I've ever met.

6. She's the most charming woman I've ever met.

7. He's just wonderful with children. He would make great father.

It would be possible to go on and on. But you get the idea. The tendency to idealize is very strong.

Frustration takes place in the second phase of a relationship. The other person is not the person you thought he or she was. You are disappointed. Your disappointment arises from the fact that you had idealized. When the other individual fails to live up to the unrealistic expectations that you have imposed on him or her, you feel frustrated. You see this as the other person's fault. You may not analyze the situation and see that the other individual never made a contract to act the way you wanted him or her to act. You feel blocked. The relationship begins to get rocky.

Demoralization takes place in the third and last phase of a relationship. You have lost all hope. You and the other person have finally broken off. He or she was no good at all. It was all a big mistake. You feel spiritless and helpless. You wonder if you will ever be able to establish a long term affectionate relationship with anybody. This demoralization phase can last quite a long time. And during this phase you are very lonely.

It is not enough to be aware of the IFD syndrome. You've got to do something about it. What? Most of the problem is associated with the first phase: idealization. Idealization is a mental distortion. It places an artificial warp on the whole relationship from the very beginning. If you idealize another individual, you have already set yourself up for your own emotional fall. It is important to say to yourself from the start such statement as:

"Remember, nobody's perfect."

"OK. Expect a lot. But don't expect everything."

"There's bound to be a few surprises. A person puts his or her best foot forward at the beginning. I've got to wait a while to find out who this person really is."

"Don't get too excited. Calm down."

If you begin a relationship with realistic, not unrealistic, expectations, you protect yourself against the two subsequent phases of frustration and demoralization.