Hot dang! If a few hundred other folks can peddle a plan to help people lose weight, there’s no reason I can’t jump on the bandwagon too! So, here’s my plan. All you need to do is send me a certified check for $495.94 and I’ll let you in on my “Secrets to Successful Weight Control". How’s that sound?

You want a personalized plan? I can do that. You want charts and graphs? I can do that. You want weekly e-mail encouragement and special diet tips? I can do that.

Shall I wait in breathless anticipation for the deluge of checks that are sure to start arriving in the next week or so? No? I am soooo disappointed!

While I’m waiting though, I might as well pass along a few of my personal thoughts on the subject of weight control. Let’s reinforce the “personal thoughts" part of the last sentence. I’m not a physician or a dietitian so I’m not in a position to recommend diddly-squat. These are just opinions…

1. Genetics and your early environment both have a lot of influence on whether you’ll have a tendency to put on the pounds. If either of your parents (and maybe grandparents) were (are) fluffy, you may have a life-long weight battle on your hands. This is the result of the ability of your body to absorb nutrients, inherited metabolic rates and lots of other stuff including basic eating/snacking habits.

2. A tendency to continually graze (snack, munch) may be a just a habit (personal programming) or it may be due to mental/emotional influences such as stress, boredom, anger, uncertainty, fear, lack of confidence, or just don’t give a fat rat’s ass any more. Identify your trigger(s) and with professional help if necessary, work to solve the foundation problem. (If you automatically associate watching TV with popcorn, chips, cookies, soda, beer, etc. – it’s probably a habit/addiction thing.)

3. To maintain a given weight, you need to “burn" energy (calories) at the same rate you’re taking them in. To lose weight, you’ll need to burn more calories than are sneaking into your bod. The bottom line – eat less and exercise more.

4. Toss out the scales and get weighed once a year during your physical. Translate this to mean that first you need to involve a physician if you’re severely overweight. Second, focus on how you want to look, not how much you want to weigh. Muscular (or even well-toned) folks can pack a lot of weight into a small frame and look great. Besides, watching the scales show minimal loss or even slight gains from time to time can puncture your incentive to keep doing what you’re doing. If your clothes are getting baggy, you’re losing weight.

5. Eat a balanced diet - bunches of salads and veggies along with a reasonable amount of the rest of the staples. (Emphasis on “reasonable"!) Yep, that includes meats, potatoes, pastas, fruits, whole grained breads - and chocolate. (Chocolate’s one of the basic food groups, you know.) Too much of any one type of food probably isn’t real good for you over the long haul. Watch the drippy, fatty – and slippery, sweet stuff. Limit consumption of anything that oozes down your arm.

6. Eat breakfast. If possible, make lunch your biggest meal and cut back on dinner. Healthy snacks between the main meals will help remind your body that you’re not really starving it between the other meals.

7. Drink enough liquids. Nah, not so much that you unbalance your system and have to take whiz breaks every 30 minutes. Pay attention to your body. If you’re getting thirsty - drink something!

8. A multi-purpose vitamin supplement may not be absolutely necessary, but it won’t hurt.

9. Deserts and treats are OK as long as you’ve planned for them. Remember the calories in – calories burned thing. (Why would anyone force themselves to eat only the 100 percent healthy stuff and pass up the goodies? If that isn’t an incentive to go off a diet, I don’t know what is…)

10. Don’t forget the exercise. It doesn’t need to be complicated nor expensive. Walks, jogging and swimming are all good. Twenty to thirty minute workouts a couple times a week can help too. Burn those calories!

11. An occasional “splurge" on a high calorie meal once in a while won’t hurt a thing. Sometimes the body just needs (are you buying this?) a big, juicy hamburger and fries!

12. Pay attention to your body’s needs. Our bodies are smart. If you find yourself hungry for certain foods, go for it. Constant cravings are probably more of a habit thing. You’ll need to be careful here.

13. Don’t overdo it! Just because Hollywood and most advertisers are promoting the slim, sleek, curvy look, that doesn’t mean it has any relation to reality. Be you, be healthy and be comfortable.

OK – that’s it. Probably not nearly complicated enough to ask for the $495.94 though, huh? Dang, I need to work on that. Meanwhile, my body NEEDS a piece of apple pie….