So



what should you do? This article contains the expert relationship

advice

you will need to get you through this difficult time.

The

early days

Your

world has fallen apart. One minute you feel so angry you want to

explode, the next you're sobbing because you think it's all your

fault and you don't want to lose him.

'This

is completely normal,' says Relate relationship psychotherapist Paula

Hall. 'Many women are surprised by the way they respond in the early

days and weeks after an affair. Your reaction can vary hugely,

depending on the circumstances.'

For

example, some affairs are a definite signal the relationship is over,

others happen in a "moment of weakness" and relationships

can survive.

'Just

remember, you've experienced a major loss, similar to a bereavement,'

says Paula 'You'll be confused and shocked.'

What

should I do?

Absolutely

nothing! This is definitely NOT the right time to make any major

life-changing decisions about your relationship.

'The

early days are incredibly emotional and confusing,' says Paula.

'Don't feel under any pressure to either throw him out or forgive

him.' There's no rush to do anything. Just let the news sink in - and

cry all you want.

Talk

to him again

Once

you're ready, it's essential that you both talk and listen to each

other. But this is not the time for a slanging match. No matter how

angry you are, you must stay calm throughout this conversation. You

have two aims:

1.

To get the facts right.

You

need to know when the affair happened, where it happened and how long

it's been going on. 'There are many different types of affairs,' says

Paula. 'A drunken one-night stand is very different to sleeping with

your sister for five years.'

Painful

though it may be for you to hear, you need to be aware of all the

facts before you can go any further.

Tip:

Resist

the temptation to ask questions you really don't need the answers

too, such as 'Is she thinner than me?' or 'Was she better in bed?'

'It's natural curiosity to want to know these things, but are you

ready to hear the answers?' says Paula. 'Will knowing that she was

quite pretty or quite slim really help you to recover?'

2.

To ask him 'Why?'

This

is the big question and it's crucial that he answers it honestly.

'What you do next will largely come as a result of how he answers

this question,' says Paula. 'If he sounds genuine and his reasons

make sense you'll be able to reach a decision far more quickly than

if he's vague or simply refuses to talk.'

TIP:

Limit the time you have for this conversation and always keep to the

point. Otherwise you'll find yourselves going round in circles,

getting more angry and tearful, but achieving very little.

Should

you stay

If

you decide your relationship is worth saving and you're willing to

try again, ask yourself these questions:

1.

Has he guaranteed that the affair is over?

2. Do you both really

understand what went wrong and why it happened?

3. Have you both

found a new, better way to resolve future problems in your

relationship?

4. Are you both willing to get help and advice from

an expert if you feel it's necessary?

If

you can answer 'yes' to these questions then there's a good chance

your relationship can recover.

But

be warned:

You can't just 'get over' an affair. 'Trust takes a moment to break

but much longer to rebuild, says Paula. 'Your partner needs to accept

that he will have to be more accountable to you for quite some time.

'For

example, if you want to check his telephone and bank statements

regularly, then he needs to let you. The recovery process takes time.

You'll probably never forget what happened, but you'll learn to keep

it somewhere else in your heart and remember it less often.'

Should

you go?

This

is a big step and not one to take in the middle of emotional turmoil.

If you're still very angry, hurt or confused you are not ready to

make this decision.

So

ask yourself:

1.

Have you given yourself enough time to consider this properly?

2.

Are you sure that this relationship is over and there's absolutely

nothing you or your partner could do to save it?

Warning:

'Breaking up is not an easy way out,' says Paula. 'You still have to

'get over' what he did. And if it's a long term relationship with

children involved, you'd be wise to get professional help before

making this decision.'