When your child makes a request and your answer is "No," don't feel compelled to give any further explanation. "No" is a complete sentence. Most kids really don't have any interest in why your answer is no. They just want to draw you into an argument on their level where they can wear you down and get their own way.



Have you ever thought about how often you "train" your children to argue without even realizing it? An example would be the toddler who is fully trained to drink from a cup and receives a bottle only at nap time and bed time. You know this has been the case for several weeks because the babysitter has kept you informed of their progress. However, when you come home from work and start fixing dinner this same child starts asking for a bottle. If you refuse he escalates to begging, whining, crying, screaming and generally driving you nuts until you reward the bad behavior by giving in. You have just taught him that he can win, if he will persevere. Each day you wonder why the battle becomes longer and harder. The answer is easy. He's sure you'll give in if he just hangs in there.

Consider this alternative. When the babysitter reports he hasn't been having the bottle for anything but nap time, you take a moment or two to praise him for being a big boy who doesn't need a bottle and uses a cup all the time. Then when he asks for a bottle, tell him "No. You're big enough to drink from your cup," and offer him a drink in the cup. At this point I hope the cup has a tight lid on it, because he'll probably throw it on the ground and start winding up for a battle. When he repeats his demand for the bottle, calmly repeat your line: "No. You're big enough to drink from your cup." When he escalates, simply pick him up and place him out of your way with instructions to stay there until he stops crying. If you are calm and matter of fact about the whole thing he will probably give up in less than five minutes.

This principle works in most parenting situations. Be a mindful parent and know when you need to say "No" and make it stick. Even if you got off to a bad start by allowing the child to reverse your "No" by badgering you, you can draw a line in the sand and take back the ground you've lost. It won't be easy, but the behavior improvements you can accomplish by taking the time to stand firm will be well worth your effort.

My own daughter, who was the poster child for strong-willed children, rarely bothered after I said "No" the first time. She knew I would hold firm. Of course, it's much easier if both parents are on the same page and always present a united front. You may not always agree, but you can decide what will be your joint stand in private. It may take a bit of negotiation to get both of you on the same page, but it is worth the effort because the kids feel more secure when they know the rules are not going to change arbitrarily.