Unless you've spent the past few weeks living in a cave that isn't wired for cable, you've undoubtedly heard that Mattel, Inc. is going to redesign their most popular toy, the Barbie Doll. So what, you say? Consider this: Mattel sells 20 Barbie Dolls per minute throughout the world. The average American girl owns 10 Barbies. If you lined up all the Barbies ever made, standing them head to toe, they would circle the earth seven and a half times. And finally, despite constant pressure from that bum, Ken, Barbie is still a good girl.



So why would Mattel want to tinker with what is obviously a pretty good thing? Political correctness, my friends, that's why. In the words of a company spokesman, Mattel is going to make Barbie, "a more realistic role model for the little girls who play with her."

Barbie, a twelve-inch plastic doll, is a role model for little girls? I have two daughters and that's news to me, though I'm sure RuPaul's therapist has been aware of it for years.

Here's what's in store for the newly-designed Barbie: she'll get a wider waist, slimmer hips and a smaller bustline. Her toothy smile, oversized eyes and big hair will be replaced with a closed mouth, straighter hair and a normal nose. In other words, imagine Christy Brinkley going in, David Brinkley coming out. I think the term for this kind of thing is "reverse evolution."

I never really thought about Barbie being a role model before, but a lot of other folks certainly have. Barbie's been catching a ton of flack lately from feminist groups who say she represents "unrealistic goals that little girls can never obtain."

One particularly radical women's group, WHINER, which stands for, "Women Hoping INsanity Equals Reality," has gone so far as to call Barbie, "an anorexic, bleach-blonde bimbo with enlarged breasts and a hooker's smile." Several members of this same group were arrested last month after sneaking into a taping of "Wheelof Fortune" and making lewd remarks about Vanna White's wardrobe.

Two other members are under investigation for allegedly stalking former Baywatch actress Pamela Anderson Lee, who they say is, "an anorexic, bleach blonde bimbo with enlarged breasts and a hooker's smile." Hmm, why does that sound familiar?

I still find it hard to believe that little girls will pin their hopes and dreams on a plastic doll, no matter how cool her wardrobe may be. But if Barbie were for real, would she be such a bad role model for little girls to have?

Meet Barbie, a 36 year old, successful, single woman who owns a Dream Home and drives a convertible Corvette. She loves children and animals, has lots of neat friends and sees life as an adventure. By all accounts, her virtue is still intact. She has never had an abortion or a child out of wedlock. She doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. There is a man in her life, Ken, but she does not depend on him for her happiness. Barbie is her own woman and she makes her own way. And yes, she does have a really cool wardrobe, but that doesn't mean you won't find her at Wal-Mart every now and then.

Is Barbie such a bad role model for little girls? Not in my book. I'd rather have my daughters looking up to Barbie than Madonna any day of the week.

If there is any part of Barbie that needs work, it's her feet. I'm amazed that the members of WHINER, who all reportedly wear work boots with flannel socks, haven't been screaming their heads off over the fact that Barbie's heels have never touched the ground.

"We must do something about this before our little girls become obsessed with walking about on the balls of their feet like ballerinas with leg cramps! Everyone knows that the stiletto heel was invented by a man! Come on, WHINERs, join me in my fight before it's too late! Somewhere out there is a Payless Shoe Store that must be shut down! Let's gooooo..."

Morons. Or is it "moronettes?"

If they redesign Barbie to make her more realistic, who's next, my old friend GI Joe? At least Joe's a guy, bringing him into the 90s should be fairly easy. Just give him love handles and a pot belly, put a little less hair on his head and a little more on his back. Take that scar off his cheek and stick it where it will reflect his recent vasectomy operation. Redesign his pistol-grip right hand so that it accommodates a can of GI Joe beer and stick a GI Joe Camel cigarette between his teeth. The new GI Joe no longer comes with a gun, however, a threadbare recliner and a remote control that needs batteries are included. Nagging wife and kids are extra.

Barbie's facelift (or face-lowering) is just so much more politically correct, fake doggy-doo. Next thing you know they'll be marketing a "Single Mother Of Nine Living On Welfare" Barbie. And the "I Do The Same Job As Ken But Get Paid Much Less" Barbie. And don't forget the "You Can Tickle Me For Fifty Bucks" Barbie.

Enough already. Little girls don't associate dolls with society's ills. Bored grown-ups do.

If only they had toys of their own to play with.