If you don't know Steven Wright, you can rest assured that you probably have heard some of his sayings repeated by other comedians. The real question is whether he is brilliant, insane or a delightful combination of both. Here, you decide:



Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.