I have an outpatient psychologist for over twenty years.



Assertiveness training is one of the major services I provide

every day. It affects each of the other seven or so major

areas of psychological dysfunction (self-esteem, anxiety,

depression, relationships, addictions, ADHD, children's

behavior). When assertiveness ability goes up, the problems

in the other seven areas go down.

What is assertiveness? Assertiveness involves five basic

steps. Think of these steps as a kind of flow chart,

progressing from step one through

step five. You have to start with step one and not skip any

along the way. You cannot adequately master assertiveness

until you process all the steps. I have written about this

in other articles so I will just summarize the steps here.

Step One: What is my experience? By this I mean, ask

yourself what are you thinking and feeling? I am constantly

surprised when I realize many people are not fully aware of what

goes on in their minds, whether it be thoughts or feelings,

physical sensations, etc. So, take a minute and ask yourself

right this minute. What am I thinking or feeling? Try to put

your experience into words. Describe it out loud to a friend

or roommate or partner if you have to. The idea is to get a

clear idea of what is going on inside your head and to be able

to describe it clearly using the appropriate words.

Step Two: Is it important enough to do anything about?

Most people do not stop long enough to ask themselves this

question, either. Most people go right by this aspect of their

experience and say to themselves, "This is no big deal" or

"No one is interested in what I have to say." There are a

million versions of these two thoughts but in one way or another,

most of us "poo poo" the importance of our own experience and

in short order, dismiss it.

Unfortunately, we cannot be assertive if we do not know our

experience, be able to communicate it clearly and think it is

important enough to do so. If we fail at any one of these steps,

assertiveness stops. The first really, really basic steps to

follow in becoming assertive are to acknowledge your

thoughts/feelings, encapsulate them in words and decide they are

important. Then, and only then can we progress to Step Three.

Step Three: Plan your work. If you do not think your

thoughts and feelings are important, or important enough to

communicate, you are done with that particular thought or feeling.

Assertiveness stops until the next thought, which starts the

process over. However, if you do feel that what is inside your

head is important, then the third step is to think about the

possible ways or other aspects of communicating. Planning your

work involves fantasizing about whether to communicate now or

later, by telephone, email, IM, verbally or any other way you can

think of (telepathy?). You are not going to do anything at this

point other than just muse; that is, mull over the possibilities

in your brain. You can imagine a little play in a theatre where

you are the protagonist and speaking your lines to some imagined

listener. You create the lines, the listener, the props, the

timing--all of it. None of it is "reality" at this point, only

fantasy, which makes it safe and if you are creative, fun. But

at this point it is just imagination in preparation for the real

thing.

Step Four: Work your plan. This is when you do in reality

what you planned in fantasy (Step Three).

Step Five: Feedback. How did it go? Success or failure?

If you succeeded; that is, expressed yourself, asked for what you

wanted, etc., this thought/feeling has exhausted itself and

assertiveness has been accomplished. If you failed and now have

"additional" thoughts/feelings, you are back at step one.

Would you believe we go through at least Steps One and Two

with each and every thought? And, if assertiveness is to have

its way, we go through all Five Steps with each of those

thoughts/feelings. It happens like lightening in the back of our

minds (meaning, unconsciously), but the process is the same for

all of us.

I have written an ebook that details these and every other

basic but necessary aspect of how to be assertive. I have boiled

this down to the simplest process possible. It does not matter

if you use these skills at home or at work. The process is the

same. In other articles, I fine-tune how to apply this skill to

work and the special considerations one must make when dealing

with the boss...

Dr. Griggs