I once read a fascinating, but all too true, story about a woman who opened her closet door and out fell various pieces of sporting equipment and memorabilia.



While these pieces represented the last decade of her life, she didn’t understand until putting them all away that she felt no connection to anything in her closet. You see, this poor woman had put aside her own interests for the hobbies of a long line of boyfriends. Standing before her newly straightened shelves, she recalled relationships with Partner A in the water skis, Partner B in the bicycle helmet, and Partner C with a paintball gun. She asked herself, “How could I have given up so much of myself so that nothing in my closet speaks of my own interests?"

My simple answer is that she had a need to fit in and be approved. It’s a pretty safe bet that if a woman wants to become her partner’s ideal mate, she only needs to transform herself into that person. And it happens again, and again, and again.

Still, you wonder, what does this cost her? And, is it fair to her partners? Maybe, most importantly, we need to recognize that following this plan of action leads her to never finding a true ideal mate.

Like many of my coaching clients, I grew up with the unspoken messages of not asking for too much, and not being too vocal about my abilities. As a result, this upbringing and my need to be accepted after my divorce found me dating men who didn’t demand much from their partner. At the same time, they didn’t provide much, either.

If you were searching for your ideal significant other today, would you really be interested in someone whose only goal was to become your vision of a good mate? Would you want to spend time with someone who presented himself one way, but after the curtain was drawn, you saw something much different? Whether the person is a lover or a female acquaintance, isn’t this image a little unsettling?

I don’t believe most women are trying to fool a mate with smoke and mirrors, but I do fear that many transform their lives to match their partner’s because they don’t yet know who they are, what their likes and dislikes are, or how to measure their goals and values.

A surprising number of women in my divorce workshops say, “I’ve given so much to my ex-husband and the family that I feel like I’m left with nothing. I couldn’t even tell you my favorite color, or what I want for dinner." My heart immediately goes out to these women because years ago, their words were mine.

Sometimes help comes from the most surprising places. A few weeks ago, while preparing for an appearance on an New York news program, I had to confront my comfortable pattern of downplaying my strengths. In the length of a short guest feature, I had to explain the ways I help couples, and why I’m good at my work. This moment was significant for me, and one I will remember every time I find myself desiring to go back to that old habit of not being true to myself.

You can win in relationships and business by truly knowing and being who you are, using the skills you bring to the table, and having a level of comfort that allows for flexibility and change.

Women shortchange themselves by engaging in relationships before taking the time to fully discover and appreciate themselves. They don’t stop to think about the characteristics they desire in a partner.

Are you looking for your ideal relationship?

Surprise—it all begins with being authentically you.