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Dealing With Toddler Tantrums

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While I was pregnant with my first child, I read about six parenting books: Now I now everything about parenting, right? WRONG!!!! This I found out very soon after my baby was born. I was going to be this perfect parent; always positive and I remember saying to someone: "I will never say the word, NO." My eldest son is quite a character. I found myself saying no all the time!

And then the tantrums . I read all about them. You are supposed to ignore them, right? Well, my eldest son's character is just so that you cannot ignore him. He just simply won't be ignored. This particular tantrum went on for half an hour.

He was kicking and screaming. So, after half an hour, I removed myself from him. He followed me all over the house, kicking and screaming. After half an hour I put him in his room, and closed the door. Let him scream as much as he likes, I thought. Was he satisfied with kicking and screaming? No, he picked up a wooden chair that was just his size, and started throwing it at the door. He was quite strong for a two-year-old. Something in me couldn't stand by and watch this. This was just wrong. I went into his room and gave him one good whack. That was the last tantrum we ever had.

Was I right to do this? To use violence? No, I wasn't. Did it work? You betcha!

My second son was totally different; when he had a tantrum at the terrible two's stage, I ignored him. He was crying and crying and crying for about 15 minutes, saw that no-one was paying him any attention, and stopped. Just like that. Was I right to do this? Yes! Did it work? Yes!

What am I saying? Should you hit your child or shouldn't you? Should you read parenting books or shouldn't you?

By all means, read parenting books. It will give you some sort of background from where to start, and it will give you ideas. Will you be the perfect parent? Well, you can try. But I don't think anyone can be perfect.

The most important thing to remember is that each child is different. What works for one, does not work for another. My eldest child wanted the comfort of knowing that someone is in charge. He is still like that. He is a very strong leader himself, and he has a strong sense of the leadership system, and of hierarchy, and he needed to know at the age of two that his mom is in charge. The only way I could show him that was with something he could understand at the age of two. My second son didn't need that.

When you have your own children, you will find out that parenting books or "child psychology" just don't work the same way on all children. This is because they are all different with different personalities. When raising children, you need to do what is right for a child's personality. "But it is not fair to the other children to treat another differently." I hear you say. Wrong again! I will illustrate this with the following story:

As a teacher, I get a class full of children in the beginning of the year. I tell them that I will treat each of them differently from each other, and allow some kids to do something, and others not. And then I wait Very soon I hear . "But miss, that won't be fair! Why can some get to work on the computer and not others?" Then I take an object, put it out of reach, and ask a short child to retrieve it for me. The short child can't reach it, so he or she has to stand on a chair in order to get to it. I thank them and put it back in the same spot. I then ask a tall child to get it for me. The tall child grabs the object easily without standing on a chair. I then tell the tall child that he has to stand on a chair to get it, because the other child did it. Otherwise it is not fair.

I get incredulous stares from all the kids. I then explain that each of us is different. Some are tall, some are short, some are fat, and some are thin. Some learn with books, others need the computer. Some learn with props, others learn without.

Some learn quietly, others need to talk themselves through their subject matter before they get it. I then tell the children that each of them will learn in my class, the way they need to learn which will be the best way for them to remember and use what they've learned. Is that not fair?

The children so get that. Why can't some parents?

Dealing With Toddler Tantrums

To begin with, don't be taken in by their tiny size and innocent looks. They may not know many things, but there's one talent they are born with. They know exactly how to manipulate you to get what they want! And, they will go to any extent to get it - throwing a tantrum is the easiest of them all.

So, how do you deal with them? By using exactly the same principles as you would with an older child:

A. you need to be clear about what behaviors you will accept or not accept. Don't take on a battle if it really isn't important.

B. Be clear about your instructions - say what you mean, and mean what you say. Say it once and don't repeat yourself.

C. Once you have done that, then follow it up with action,

D. Another very effective way of getting across something to your two-year-old darling is to use what I call a 'manners chair'. This is how it works:

First get a small child's chair and put it in a corner somewhere, facing into the room. If they fail to do as they are told (after you have said what you mean and meant what you said - my book will help you with that) then you send them to the chair with words to the effect of: "Oh dear, you seem to have lost your good manners again. You had better go and sit in the chair until you find them again."

After some time when the child has 'found his manners', allow him to come off the chair. Till then, simply ignore him, especially if he is fussing or whining. Make sure you explain what he has done wrong so that he knows what to correct.

In order to keep this light rather than as a heavy punishment, you can offer to help them to find their manners again. Suggest to them that they may have dropped them under the chair, or in their pockets, or perhaps they even fell in their shoes. This helps to turn them away from whining to a more positive attitude (and turns you from shouting to being helpful). Usually the manners are found pretty quickly.

Once the manners have been found, you can start from what the child was originally supposed to do, or perhaps apologize for the bad behavior.

Unlike with normal time-out (where it is a clear connection with bad behavior = miss out on fun by being in time out), with the manners chair you CAN ask them to apologize, or otherwise revisit the incident, since the evidence of them having found their manners is a return of compliant polite behavior. If they still refuse, then they clearly didn't find their manners, so they need to go back to the manners chair and have another look.

You will need to maintain a fine balance between fun and serious correction of behavior. Don't let it become too much of a game by giving a lot of attention to find their manners. Watch your child intently and act accordingly. If it is getting serious, bring in the fun; if it's becoming funny, drive home the purpose of the manners chair.

This will help you in more ways than one. You won't start yelling and losing your temper, which only exposes your weakness to them. And, it helps to put an end to inappropriate behavior. Make sure you remain calm and positive. Let the child feel that you care a lot but there are certain things not admissible, and such acts of misbehavior are an aberration that can be easily corrected to get back to normal life.

Now, what about when you are out in public? The key there, as everywhere else, is that you have to mean what you say, say what you mean, and follow up with action.

So, how do you time out in public? Three options: 1. Sit them down in the aisle and do a kind of "manners chair" in which no one is going anywhere else until he has found his manners.

2. Take them out and do a time out in the car. They are in the car, you are outside, looking AWAY from them. You stand there and you wait patiently until they are quiet. Do NOT respond or get into a "discussion" with them until the tie-out is up.

3. Abandon the shopping trip and go home and do the time out there.

Let me assure you that you will not have to do this many times. If you mean business, they will not disobey you. But, if you are not clear, they will go on trying to see how far they can go. For further information read my book. Here is the link:

You will find all this and much more in my book. Here is the link - you can get started today.

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Dr. Noel Swanson... has sinced written about articles on various topics from . Fed up with your toddler's temper tantrums? For more help on managing pre-schoolers' behaviors and for advice on toddler's temper tantrums vist Dr. Noel Swanson's website, and check out his hugely po. Dr. Noel Swanson...'s top article . Bookmark Dr. Noel Swanson... to your Favourites.

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