The fight or flight response is a natural response to danger. Our bodies are created to fight or flee when danger is upon us, such as being attacked by a mountain lion. When faced with this kind of danger, the stress hormones pour into our body, causing some blood to leave our brains and organs and go into our arms and legs. This is vital to us if we are actually being attacked by a mountain lion or a mugger. The problem is that this same response occurs when we become afraid in other situations, such as conflict with a partner.
When in conflict with a partner, we need to have the full capacity of our minds to deal rationally and lovingly with the situation. Yet the moment we become afraid, some of the blood leaves our brain, we cannot think as well, and we automatically go into fight or flight. That is when partners tend to fight or withdraw, neither of which leads to conflict resolution.
Obviously, fighting or fleeing is not the best way of dealing with conflict. Yet when fears are triggered - fears of losing the other through rejection or abandonment, or of losing yourself and being controlled by your partner ? the stress response is automatically activated and you find yourself fighting or shutting down. Now matter how much you tell yourself that next time you will respond differently, the moment fear is activated you automatically attack, defend, yell, blame, or shut down through compliance or withdrawal.
What can you do about this?
There are two solutions to this dilemma.
The moment there is tense energy between you and your partner, it is best for both of you to walk away from the conflict for at least 15 minutes. During this time, you can calm down and do some inner work. As the stress response leaves your body, you can think better. This allows you to open to learning about your end of the conflict. Once you are clear about what you are doing that is causing the problem and what you need to do differently, you can reconnect with your partner and talk it out. Sometimes there is not even anything to talk out because the conflict was about the fight or flight rather than about a specific issue. More often than not, it is the stress response itself that is the issue. When you take the time to calm down, you might be able to apologize for your anger, blame, defensiveness or withdrawal, and the conflict is over.
The second solution is a longer-term solution. This is about doing enough inner work, such as the Inner Bonding process that we teach, so that your fears of rejection, abandonment, and engulfment gradually diminish. The more you learn to value yourself rather than expect your partner to define your worth and lovability, the less fear you have of rejection. The more you learn to take loving care of your own feelings and needs, the less dependent you are upon your partner. When your fear of rejection diminishes, so does your fear of engulfment. People give themselves up and allow themselves to be controlled and consumed by their partner as a way of avoiding rejection. When rejection is no longer so frightening, you will find that your fear of being controlled diminishes.
The less fear you have, the less you will be triggered into the stress response of fight or flight. The more secure you feel within due to learning to value yourself and learning to take loving care of yourself, the less fear you will feel in the face of conflict. This is when you stop being so reactive and are able to remain open and caring in the face of conflict.
There is no point in continuing a conflict when one or both of you are coming from fear. Continuing a conflict when the fight or flight response is activated will only erode your relationship. Until you can stay open-hearted in a conflict, it is best to continue to follow through on the first solution ? taking a time-out until you feel open-hearted.
Fight Or Flight Response
My first visit with the client, Jane, with whom I developed this technique that demonstrated 80% success rate, left my office with a full blown anxiety attack--not a good start. I thought I'd never see her again and hoped I wouldn't hear from her attorney in the form of a law suit. Actually as apologetic and embarrassed as she was, a law suit was a very remote possibility. But I wonder how many clients in similar situations might not be considering law suits against clinicians using inward focusing techniques that can bring on panic attacks. Then again, their personality is not that of a trouble maker and as long as they continue suffering from anxiety, they would never allow themselves to be in a court room for fear of having an anxiety attack and having to run away or lose control.
Inward focus techniques are generally what most professionals use--it's having the client focus on relaxing one's breadth, muscles, thoughts... to learn relaxation. However, in reality, it's these type of techniques that contribute to anxiety attacks.
Within a few days, Jane did call again. She was too fearful to come to the office?she blamed her anxiety attack on my small 12?X12? treatment room which is more than three times the size of most treatment rooms. She asked if I'd consider in-home sessions. Reluctantly I agreed.
A few days later I arrived at her home with an Galvanic Response (GSR) biofeedback instrument in hand. I didn't want a repeat of our first meeting so I avoided using any relaxation exercises that used inward focus. I took more time to get to know Jane. I got the feeling that she could talk for hours about her symptoms, but I wanted to know more about what stressors led to the beginning of the anxiety attacks. According to the Homes-Rahe Stress Scale, I'd be looking for some rather significant life changes six months to a year before the onset of symptoms.
Yes, her panic and anxiety started about six months after she and her family moved back to NJ from the Florida Keys. ?Ah ha,? I thought to my self although I didn't know what to do with this information at the moment. I learned that she was unhappy living in Florida. She had no close friends and she missed the camaraderie of her sisters and mother back in NJ.
It was so much of a problem that eventually she convinced her husband to change jobs and move back to NJ with her teen age son in expectation of life being the way it used to be. But much to her disappointment, her sisters were married with other interests and the relationship with her mother was different?the camaraderie she remembered was gone. The result was that she was no happier in NJ with her family than she was in the Florida Keys.
To me it seem obvious that she'd want to run away from this whole disappointing mess. How could she explain to her husband the move was for naught? And her teen age son was getting into some trouble with drugs?another disappointment for which she was unprepared.
I explained my take on her plight by asking her, ?OK, you were unhappy in Florida, convinced your husband to uproot the family, change jobs, and move back to NJ so you'd be happy with your family only to find that your relationships with your sisters and mother has changed and that your son was getting into trouble. Wouldn't you just like to run away from this whole embarrassing mess?? She acknowledged that she'd like to escape the whole entire mess, but it's not her nature.
I explained that her brain was simply taking action on that desire. I explained the fight/flight reaction to stress?how when we feel threatened the unconscious intelligence gets us ready to fight or run?even a threat to our egos, family status?--and that since she is not a fighter (personality wise), there's plenty reason to unconsciously want to run away. But being a responsible person, she would never allow her self to run away.
OK, then we talked about diet and how certain foods can trigger anxiety?sweets, refined carbohydrates, caffeinated beverages?
All this was nice, but she still had trouble understanding how she was ever going to gain control of anxiety since it just happens ?out of the blue.?
Essentially, this is the first step?educating the conscious mind. I left her home without ever using the biofeedback instrument and focused on the challenge of making a difference in her life?how to shift her from the conditioned response of anxiety.
First it was apparent to me that the panic anxiety label her primary doctor gave her was in the absence of understanding much about her background. She came to a conclusion that she had a problem and no one knew how to cure it?certainly took her mind off her real problems in life?anxiety was an escape.
In summary, personality factors of being highly responsible led Jane to want to escape the seemingly impossible situation in which she placed her family--a move for naught. Add to that hi-sugar eating habits, a suggestion she gave herself re another family member having had anxiety attacks, and the fight/flight wanting her to escape her family status, and voila, she created agoraphobia and anxiety panic attacks. See the resource box for more information on how to overcome panic and anxiety.
Both Margaret Paul, Ph.d. & Richard Kuhns are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Margaret Paul, Ph.d. has sinced written about articles on various topics from Parenting, Divorce and Infidelity and Cure Anxiety. Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: ht. Margaret Paul, Ph.d.'s top article generates over 90500 views. Bookmark Margaret Paul, Ph.d. to your Favourites.
Richard Kuhns has sinced written about articles on various topics from Panic Attacks, Cure Anxiety and Guided Meditation. Richard Kuhns B.S.Ch.E., NGH certified, a specialist in Waking Hypnosis to eliminate anxiety panic attack and agoraphobia. The new technique available to professionals. Richard Kuhns's top article generates over 14800 views. Bookmark Richard Kuhns to your Favourites.
Children With Special Needs Articles Practicing all these useful tips will make you a good and skillful article writer and will enhance your article writing speed by the time
