Dear Misanthropic Mike,



I finally managed to buy my dream ride—a full-size diesel truck. I love this truck, but I’m wondering what I can do to make it more powerful. My brother-in-law Merle has a really fast truck, but he’s so afraid I’m gonna beat the pants off him, he won’t tell me what I need to do. Mike, where do I go from here? Eddie K. from Kissimmee, FL

Eddie,

The first thing you need to do is let old Merle keep his pants ON. Trust me; nobody wants to see your kin driving around in their skivvies. Secondly, pull your head out of your exhaust pipe and start tuning that new oil-burner of yours the electronic way. That’s where I come in.

Now, I don’t know anything about you and your buddy Merle, but I’m guessing neither of you can tell a box wrench from a baseball bat. So I’m gonna show you how to really tune that big diesel with some easy-to-use electronic gear—power programmers and control modules.

Don’t get all nervous you little jellyfish; you won’t even have to pop the hood to squeeze crazy horsepower and torque from that oil-burning mill of yours. Power programmers and modules plug right into your rig’s OBD-II port. Oh yeah, let me clarify that for Mr. Masculine here; the OBD-II port is that cute little pluggy looking thingy under your dash. See it? Go get a module from your favorite performance shop and plug it in right there. That’s it, you’re done.

Modules like the ones from Quadzilla Diesel Performance deliver huge power gains the instant you install ‘em. I’m talking triple-digit power gains, Eddie. Now, don’t get all teary-eyed on me, you haven’t beat your brother-in-law, yet. If you wanna take the performance a step further, I recommended skipping the module and going straight to a power programmer.

Power programmers work like modules, but they take the tuning a step further by handing you the controls. Plug it into the same place and choose the tune that best meets your needs. Most programmers have a standard mode that ups the ponies for everyday driving. Whether you’re towing your home, poaching manatees or whatever it is you folks do down there, standard mode does it with authority.

Now when it comes to smearing Merle’s good name all over the Confederacy, click that baby into race mode. Switching your programmer to race mode is gonna make your rig leave that wily brother-in-law of yours coughing on billows of black and white smoke. And Eddie, that’s black diesel smoke from your tailpipe and puffy white clouds from your spinning tires—these are good things!

In conclusion Eddie, take your sissified self down to your favorite speed shop and pop a module or programmer into that truck of yours. Trust me, Merle’s gonna turn tail and run when he hears you your hopped-up rig rumbling his way. Oh yeah, and Eddie, grow a spine you little pansy.